Significant Moment Forgotten...

Maybe that's the way it should be... or that is just the way it is. Over a month since she has passed, over a month since I was in Dublin, Ireland and I received the call. My family has been sorting through her house and cleaning it out and they found a piece I wrote about a significant moment in my life. It had to do with my grandfather, my grandma's husband. A time when I was asked upon to go to the doctors office with my grandma and grandpa to help walk my grandpa in because he was too weak from the cancer taking over his mouth. Although I wrote about this moment, I had forgotten about until I read the piece. My mom mentioned that she had found this piece and briefly told me what it was about and I couldn't quite find the memory stored. 

After reading it and remembering it I wonder why I had locked that memory away. Have I done this with many others? Will I do this with the remaining and most recent memories of my grandma? I guess it is better to remember my grandpa as the strong man he was rather than the frail man I had to help walk into the doctors office that one morning. I just wonder where I put it, the memories that make my eyes water and heart hurt when addressed. Am I the only one that does this?

My trip to Europe was amazing and filled with many fun and exciting moments. Again, I learned so much about myself and feel I grew more and more each day I woke. My grandma passed the day after I flew out of the states, but she passed on the same day my grandpa, her husband died 5 years ago. I wish I had been there like I was for my grandpa. I wish I was holding her hand as she took her last breath. The thing that gets me is that people complain day in and out about not wanting to be alone, but I think the thing I've realized is that we die alone, we take our last breath alone, we feel the last bit of pain alone and the thing I wanted the most was to hold her hand and stand by her side so she would not be alone when she took her last breath. I wanted that so badly, I wanted to be there for her so badly and it still pains me to know that I could not have been. It angers me but it happened the way it did for a reason, I just wish and believe I will always wish I had been there. 

My first few days back from Europe I could smell her. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like she was still there. The poster boards that were presented at the funeral still sat in our living room and I peered at them the first night back. I sat down and clenched my jaw hoping to fight back the tears, why did I have to miss it? I can keep going over this question time and time again, but it will never hold an answer that satisfies my sadness. 

I don't know what to say about it, it's still hard and it's still so here, in this moment, on my mind and in my heart. I guess I'm just not that good at letting go...