At Muddy's enjoying the Saturday afternoon with
Michael Buble and his new album "Crazy Love."
So I went out last night with a few girlfriends, the night consisted of free shots, continuous groping by strangers, loosing and then finding my friends, laughing at the one that was the most drunk and then walking back alone at 2 in the morning, unsafe in and of itself.
Maybe it is the bar we chose to go to, or maybe it is the majority of people that occupy Vermont, but why do guys deem it "okay" to rub a girls back, butt, arm, squeeze her side or tap her shoulder as she is walking by and then proceed to wink at her, why do they deem it "okay" to do these things to a complete stranger? I find it comical now, but was absolutely annoyed last night. Single or in a relationship, are these the type of guys that girls are really looking for? Are they the type of guys they are really attracted to?
I sit here trying to grasp some sort of perspective, how did I get to this point? It is a contradicting question with many answers, many angles and a lot of depth. Here's my attempt:
Well I moved here last summer to be with him. To start a life with him where we could physically be together. That all came crashing down one week before I moved back and he shattered my world and took my heart tumbling down with it. I picked up the pieces, moved back home like planned and built a new structure for myself to stand on. It was called willpower, it was called determination, it was called strength. So I built it, I helped it grow, I formed a life with new friends, new goals, new perspective and no turning back. I think what I loved most about that time was that I was one my own, the newness was exciting, riveting, and fun. I did not depend or rely on anyone but myself. I relied on myself to make new friends, to build a great enough friendship with these people to go out with and have fun with. It was hard, but I would do it all over again if I had to. Summer turned to Fall and I somehow found myself in love. It took me by surprise when I literally almost blurted out the words 'I love you' before going to quit a job. I kept my original goal of staying home to save money for my trip to Europe in the Spring, I had the opportunity of being with my grandma everyday as she passed away. These first 6 months back home were crucial. So I saved that money and I went over to Europe for a month. Exploration was our only goal. It's hard to believe that that trip was merely 9 months ago...We returned.. I went back home with new goals and new wants, the months have passed by, goals have been met and things have been pushed to future dates. But that doesn't answer my question.
How did I get to a point where I hardly go out with my girlfriends? Is it because most of them don't live here anymore? Maddie, has come and gone back to Seattle... Erika now lives in Cali, Angela still lives in Boston...Margo has moved on to Norway.. Girlfriend is STILL in Minnesota...It's crazy to have a huge group of girlfriends and all this great support constantly surrounding me and then have more than half of them move away. Great for them, I am truly happy that they have all moved on but I miss them. I miss this support surrounding me. I guess what it comes down to is that I am upset with the fact that I don't have many girlfriends to call up anymore.
So what am I going to do about it? Make more friends. It's such a childish thing, but I feel if you're not in school or working, it is hard to make friends, and I think this same concept applies to meeting a potential partner. Maybe I just need more time to myself. Maybe I need to go back to standing on that structure. Either way this feels good, sitting here, alone, (well with Michael) and attempting to lay it out.
There are many ways in which I could embrace this and I guess the best way would be positively. Set goals, get things done, keep on keeping on.
