Write.

Erase.

Write.

Erase.

Write, stop, blinking cursor.

She's right.

Silence. Moments of clarity.

Finally feeling

The heart keeps beating

It's going to be okay.

Silence

Stone

Cold

She's right.

Silence. Moment of Clarity.

Finally feeling,

the Heart Keeps Beating

It is going to be okay.

Consistent conversation

a comforting connection

close.

Rubbing the dry eyes

Reaching for warm skin

Feeling the keys

Searching for inspiration

Close the eyes

the silence prevails.

A brief note..

So we took our Italian friend to Amnesia last night... a very small, dimly lit bar in the Mission District. I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely LOVE bluegrass music. Who knew.

Windy Hill was playing and they did an amazing job.. check out this link.

They are planning on putting together a CD and are on Facebook and MySpace if you are interested!

A few hours to myself and clarity appears

A day off work, 12.5 miles and an amazing dinner later, I feel much better than when I woke to some upsetting news via email.

Apple in hand, stomach full and a fun night a head of me. Exams are done.. yet classes and assignments I am sure will still fill my days.

I can't believe how good a long run and a few hours to myself can make a difference. My head is clear and I am breathing easy.

5 days until Christmas! :-)

Christmas Tree Candles

You know when you have those moments that you know you will remember for the rest of your life...? I had one of those tonight.

Maybe it was the glass of red wine, maybe it was the half eaten chocolate turkey or maybe it was the scent of pine tree that the candle was exploding into my living room, but this feeling of relaxation came over me. This feeling of calmness.

I envisioned what it would be like and it looks beautiful to me. I envisioned what it would feel like and it feels warm to me. It's a peaceful feeling. I know it seems a bit ambiguous but that is just the way it is suppose to be.

It has felt good these past few days...it has been calming...soothing...and comforting. Immediate proof that it's all going to be okay.

I finally ran seven miles today... after a few days of laziness and pure isolation, I picked myself back up and ran it off. Nine tomorrow and a day of nothing but me.

The pine tree smell, AKA the Christmas tree smell (Thanks Mom) reminds me of home. Reminds me of snow covered pine trees and the muted lights that sit beneath the snow. A new way to spend the holiday this season... what better way than with a best friend. Holiday music has been sparse and Christmas cookies just seem uninviting in the kitchen... an invite to craft has been extended among Christmas parties and holiday celebrations that should commence next week.

2:24 reads the digital clock that sits in the upper right hand corner. I watched two episodes of an old favorite show tonight... that's right... I could have done homework, I could have studied more for my exam tomorrow... But how productive can someone really be at midnight? Needless to say I chose to watch some TV.

Contemplating a plane ticket home just to feel the cold air on my cheeks and breath in the cool, fresh air. The Christmas decorations will be gone and the holidays will be over... but sometimes the comfort of your own family is all you really need.

Deep breaths. I am tired. Work has been consistently slower and I continue to search for my pre-reqs. Time is closing in on me and I need these classes. 5 new programs to apply to and one that I am particularly excited about.

Barney lays across my stomach and begins to snore as my eyes drift between open and closed... Goodnight.

Dream on.

Where do you expect me to put it..?

I found this in my folder of drafts from a few weeks ago... I don't really know why I didn't post it. Maybe I felt as if it was incomplete... but for me right now, it is complete. Where do I place it?

"My love is like a raven with a broken wing," said the Italian that sat at my kitchen table. My heart went out to that love... that deep passionate love that burns deep inside my soul. I feel it. I feel it everyday and don't know where to place it on the shelf of life. Don't really know where to throw it at the indifferent tasks that take up my minutes. So I throw it at my schooling, I throw it at my little puppy that envelops my heart and I throw it at my time that I have for myself... it seems often obsolete and nonexistent but I know it is there.

A brief entry

Day off consists of sleeping in, awaking to french toast, laying on the couch and zoning out to Christmas Vacation while attempting to read Inequalities of Gender for sociology.

Movie is over, stomach is still full, chapter complete and lesson assignment ready to be handed in. Barney and I lounge.

Six miles on the road awaits me along with some much needed editing of the footage of our trip. No big plans but to study, sip on lattes and to stay warm. I thought California was suppose to be warm...? I had my winter hats shipped out just so my ears wouldn't fall off! Okay, so it is not that cold, but definitely colder than I expected.

Waiting to hear back on my acceptance into another round of classes before purchasing a ticket home... Laying out all my possibilities for nursing programs; the application process will begin at the turn of the new year.

Went through the slideshow of our pictures last night from our journey across the country. Although it happened and I obviously know it happened, I forget how amazing the trip was and how amazing it was to just get up and leave. It's liberating. It's nice to know that I can do that. That I can survive. The experience is something that warms me. I cannot wait to get on the road again or to explore a new culture/society, but right now this is where I am at.

I am spending my days at coffee shops, in front of computers, with my head in books, with my right wrist in pain from writing so much, with my shins hurting from my runs and with the hard pavement among my feet. I am spending my days traveling and seeing new faces among this city, getting use to the California way of life and dreaming of the next big thing. I am spending my days learning, growing and believing that it is only going to get better. That alone is exciting.

C'est la vie.

The Little Girl

Taking a moment to sit down between lesson assignments, dishes, running and mailing out another application for 3 new classes. Breathe. I might be over doing it... I haven't even thought about how I am going to pay for it all financially, especially when a turn of events occurs I will need an extra few thousand just for a first deposit.

I am being rational but also head strong. I know what I want and I guess that's more than I can say for other people. I want to be in this program next fall for the mere fact that I want my RN before I am 27... yikes 27 seems daunting. It will all fall into place.

Week 3 I think of training. It is going well. I most definitely need new shoes and the dreaded shin splints are making some runs a bit unfriendly. Hoping to buy them this weekend.

OH Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you take some time to recognize what you are thankful for. I am thankful for many things in life and I whisper them to myself when needed... I keep them close to my heart.

A friend told me that he keeps a picture of himself as a little boy and said that every time he looks at it he knows that he has to take care of this little boy. Although it is him 20 years ago, he still loves this little boy and knows that he needs to take care of him. I thought this was very insightful. Sometimes, actually very often, I forget to take care of myself. I forget to eat, I forget to breathe, I forget to ask myself what I want to do, what I want for dinner, what I want this day to include. I feel this mental image or an actual picture of me as a little girl will help me realize that this little girl needs to be taken care of everyday, needs to be loved everyday and I am the only one that can do that. I thought this idea was so insightful and so helpful. As my tears dropped into the cup of hot water with lemon, I realized that he is right, and although I am a woman, it is easier to realize that I still need to take care of myself as a woman or little girl... either way I need to take care of myself.

At home with the B... tearing apart a paper towel roll, snuggling on the couch and singing loudly. Back to work I go and then off to run... Try to stay focused on what is right in front of you. Don't let life pass you by by dwelling and allowing unhappiness to envelop you. There is good in everything and everyone. Get out of the house and see what you pass by each day.

Happy Thanksgiving... smile and try to be thankful for the things and people that are there.

Becoming level-headed

Sitting on the floor of my living room, surrounded by text books and realizing my stomach is in pain from hunger. I sit here reading through random blogs, and procrastinating as the sun sits upon the buildings that fill the space outside the sliding door.

In the midst of week two for training, I ponder the idea if running helps clear my head and thoughts? Was I a more level-headed person when I was training for my first marathon compared to when I was just running to stay in shape? Does following a running regime and sticking to it for self-satisfaction aid in the possibility of becoming more level-headed?

Yes, yes I think it does. I say this in relation to diligence. If we can't stick to something that we do for ourselves, how do we expect to accomplish anything?

Running makes everything easier. I know I have said this before, and was dumbfounded the first time someone had said it to me, but running becomes a way to release energy, stress, and bad air.

Running makes me more level-headed because it becomes the leveling factor of all other things in my life. Although challenging at times, it simplifies every step, every breath, and every beat of the heart.

To allow running to become a simplistic factor in your life, is to embrace the moments of silence when you run. It is not often that we are in a state of silence, mentally and physically, but for me, this often occurs when I run.

Running helps me become more level-headed because it is silencing. No one talks to me while I run down the street, and no one interrupts my swift movements, it is merely the road and I making our own soundtrack and competing in our own race. Take it as you want it.

Week 2:

11 miles completed

14 miles to go

Average pace 8:03

Run on.

Week One... CHECK!

The familiar grime of sweat and salt gathered upon my face, the voice in my head complained and my shin splints presented themselves in full force, but my first 8 mile run in this 18-week training period is complete and I feel rejuvenated.

A day of rain, led to a beautiful night. An inviting temperature to run the streets of San Francisco. I silenced my thoughts and listened to my breathing. I crept up on people and I was pleased with my quite, almost soundless footsteps. I soared through the streets.

This daunting 8 mile run became one familiar step after the other, my breathing calmed and I conquered the frequenting voice in my head grumbling of sore muscles.

I now sit on the couch, relaxed and content with a glass of wine and blanket thrown across my legs.

One week and 24 miles completed...

Run On.

Week 1: Breathing

On the cusp of completing the first week of yet another long journey of training.

18 weeks of grueling, challenging, fun, enlightening, and step by step training awaits me as I prepare for yet another marathon. March 6th, 2011 the 33rd Annual Napa Valley Marathon will host me, along with many other individuals, through the innumerable valleys of grapes and vineyards.

As I end the night calculating my miles that I have completed this week (11) and add up the miles left to accomplish (13), I look forward to the many hours on the road.

Although I consider myself a novice marathon runner, I believe that it is easy to understand why people do it. It is easy to understand why people are so driven to run and crave the miles. It is because the first step that hits the pavement and begins the pace, releases everything. There is so much to this everything, but it starts with breathing.

Week 1:

Weight 108

BMI: 19

Miles achieved this week: 11

Average pace: 8:30

1st Marathon Completed in 3 hours 46 minutes

Goal Time for Completion of 2nd Marathon: 3 hours 39 minutes

A Moment

I had a meeting the other day with a wise woman that wants to continue to work with me and my writing, an appealing and salivating concept considering she is across the country. Writing and I have been like an on and off again relationship, partly because my lack of dedication but not my lack of love. I hereby dedicate at least one day a week to my passion of writing. One late night, one early morning or one sentence on this blog at least once a week. There you have it onlookers, you are my witness, if writing is my passion, why am I being so distant and not giving it my utmost attention. As the old people use to say, 'if you don't use it, you are gonna loose it.'

So to the wise that take time to mentor me... I shall write on.

An excerpt I scribbled down while riding the train into work one day:

"I saw a grown man cry on the train this morning. he was reading, 'water for elephants.' i am intrigued by this book. what depths could it be about to make a grown man cry? is this man extra sensitive, or is this book amazingly powerful? he wept as i sat beside him and contemplated what was on the page and touching his soul in a special, memorable way."

I stood up in preparation to exit the train at my destination, before I took that first step out I glanced back at him. He starred at me in wonderment. I gave him a half smile filled with desires to enlighten his day and to leave him with hope that whatever he was crying about is not this moment. In an instant, in a moment of a half smile, our eyes met. As he starred in wonderment and I starred in wonderment, I stepped off the train, out of that moment and continued on with my day.

It has been months from my last entry, weeks since my last journaling session and minutes since I have actually thought about writing.

I am here. I am here in San Francisco with an apartment, a job and a new city to explore. Things are not as easy as I dreamed of. As insignificant as it may seem, I battle with the transit system daily, I sit on benches late at night waiting for minutes upon minutes for a single bus that I hope will show up as tears stream down my face. I walk into an empty apartment with often a lack of passion and still find myself craving something so deep and so true... what is this depth? What is this truth? Is it finally time to accept that this depth and truth is not in a place, it is within me?

I am happy I moved. I am happy to be in a new city. I have yet to have a chance or the funds to really explore and I feel my days are being spent working, working out and again, battling the transit.

I am not at the job in which I had hope to get. I do have a lunch date with someone that I hope will lead to great potential. I hope this lunch date will lead to at least an internship, an open door and an endless amount of possibilities of exploration. I want to join groups; running groups, yoga groups, cooking groups, I want to travel to India to explore the depths of meditation and yoga, I want to learn about meditation, I want to learn about the inner being so I can find this truth and this depth?

I must already possess these answers that I seek. Am I too loud? Am I just not listening enough...?

Where do my dreams lay? I am on a path...that in turn will lead to great things.

Two Week Notice

I did it... I got it. I have my ticket in hand and with 3 weeks remaining, the clock has begun to loudly tick.

As I drove to work at 5:30 this morning, the familiar thought of departure crept into my mind. However, the usual feelings of excitement and eagerness did not visit me this morning, instead I was confronted with a feeling of fear. I think for the first time in planning this excursion I realized that it is not just a trip, it is a trip and a landing. I will not be returning to Vermont for a long while... I will not be returning to Vermont permanently for a long while. The most important question came to mind, 'when will I see my family again?' And that is where it began.

I have no idea.

After moving back to Vermont in 2008 and expecting a short stay of six months, I am still here two years later. I am not quite sure where the days went, but I am grateful for the time I have had back in my home state. Of course it is normal for this feeling of fear to arise when making a drastic change and I understand that. I felt the same type of fear when I moved back home two years ago. But things worked out... really well. I adapted and am happy I stayed, but it is now truly time for me to keep moving.

So back to this realization that I am leaving Vermont again and that there is an immense amount of uncertainty. This is a risk, but without risks... would we really be living? I am excited and when it comes down to it I know I will see my family as soon as things settle down a bit and hopefully they will feel brave enough to travel across the country. ;-)

Two week notices will be put in place on Wednesday to all jobs and from there on out it is a battle of packing the necessities, saying goodbye and tying the loose ends together. Until then I continue to cherish my work, contemplate decisions and brace myself.

Saturday night and I have to be up in 6 hours for work in the am... God Bless.

Still waiting for my Ticket

Muddy's and I, 'we were like peas and carrots.' Sitting at Muddy's again, indulging in a list of journalism jobs on the web and attempting to apply. I have certainly lost my motivation to apply, after working at it diligently for almost 7 months and receiving only one response and interview... it makes it tough to find that drive. So I sit here again, making an effort to stay motivated and hopeful.

My last post was in March... tisk tisk. There's really no excuse for it besides the fact that I have abandoned my writing for a while and taken a new route to focus on. I started working as a licensed nurse assistant and plan to use that as 'plan B' if finding a journalism job before I move to California does not pan out. It's great to have a back-up plan, but I would rather not use it as my crutch. Ideally, journalism is where I want to be.

Jazz fest in VT is this week. Burlington boy and I went to see Gerald Clayton's Trio last night at the FlynnSpace. It was beautiful. The piano was powerful, the drums were amazing and the bass held it all together. The performance was soothing; it swayed me into a state of relaxation, letting go of recent stress and allowing me to breathe easy. I watched the three embrace their music and let it consume them. They have found their niche. Do they realize that they have found it? Do they feel that this is their niche? A lot of the time I feel like I am searching. I try to let go. I try to let go of the flashlight that lights the way and guides my search. I try to breathe easy like so often recommended, and last night at this performance I turned off that flashlight, I dropped it on the floor and I let myself breathe easy. I let myself drift, I let my eyes close and let the music, their music consume me. For that short period of time, their music became my niche.

Settle down. Relax. Be here. In this moment. A few simple things that are my biggest challenges. All I want is to keep going. All I want is to achieve what I need to complete in order to get out of here. This intangible title, this 'ticket,' I want it and often feel like I need it to plan my escape.

Just a few days before I know... just a few more days.

Welcome to the Sewage Shop - It IS refreshing

Lazy Sunday. Burlington Boy and I engorged ourselves in a feast after many hours of sleep; blueberry pancakes, bacon, coffee and a stroll through town. Happy Sunday.

Spent last evening dancing, spilling drinks, and strolling the streets as a herd. It felt good. Caught up with a long lost friend and connected with people as our bond was strengthened, even though the bar often smelt like a sewage shop, I was refreshed.

There is something about meeting with many different people around one table, being loud, reckless and interested. All coming together to support, have fun and be with one another is inspiring. Having friends is inspiring. It is often over looked and just assumed, yes people have friends, but do we occasionally take them for granted? What would life be like without our daily companions, our best friends, our lovers? Boring. Lonely. Would we adapt?

I went for a 12 mile run yesterday afternoon as part of my training for the marathon and I found my mind wondering to one of my best friends. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of blessedness. How have I gotten so lucky to have just this one person in my life? I think of her and am overcome with relief, thankfulness and all feelings of ever being alone are shattered. We all have those days and I often say we are and always will be alone, but it is moments like this where I retrace those words and take them back.

With her in my life, with best friends in my life, I will not be alone in the heart or in the mind.

Try not to take them for granted, try to treat them as you want to be treated, stay in constant contact, fight for what you want.

Relaxing on this Sunday...God Bless.

Pounding Desire

I often find myself writing about change. I remember when I was younger I said I hated change but would counteract this notion by moving my room around every week just to add some spice.

Does this mean I truly am driven towards change? Or, is it I like controlled change as opposed to sudden, unpredictable change? A lot of change has occurred in my life since graduation in 2008, but I suppose it is like that for most graduates.

The career world suddenly starred me down and haunted me in my dreams. Somehow, I got caught up in this spill of one day after another and found myself contemplating going back to school for nursing. Although I contemplate this idea every single day and try to think of ways of how it would work with my passion to become a journalist and create a name for myself, I find myself floating while all these options trickle below me. Is it selfish to want to grasp them all and hug them close to me? Is it even possible?

How do I become a distinguished, successful journalist and go back to school to become a nurse? Should I take night classes? Should I take courses online? Am I sure I want to do this? Am I sure I want to make this difference in people's lives?

Once again these questions were solidified in my heart and mind when I saw her look into my eyes in her hospital room. It is nothing the same to what happened and started 2 years ago, but it is that same look. The same pleading, begging look to be looked after, to be promised, to be loved, to be not alone. I saw it in her eyes tonight, I heard it in her voice even though she proclaimed she wanted us three girls to start stepping away and go back to our own lives and maintain them. It is not about the things she says or that she did once say, it is about the look in the eyes, the 'thank you's never spoken, the love not always told, I know it is there and I know I want to be that stability, safety and serenity for so many more people. I want to give back what I have been blessed to have.

So, as we are faced with another possibility, which inevitably will change many things in our current lives, I find myself being rational, wise and mature about this decision. Barton got offered a job in Massachusetts and although we are ready to move, the job is not as stable as we would like. Should we feed into our pounding desire to move out of this state, or should we step cautiously and wait for something else? It is such a hard decision, especially since I do not have a job down there yet. Again, here we are. At this crossroads of change where the visibility is poor.

Time has been hard, money has been tight, hours have been sparse. I have indulged back into running and will start training for the marathon next week. I am excited. Barton and I ran 7 miles last night and it felt amazing. The money that hardly exists, the work, the constant search for something better, was left at the turn of the first corner and there we ran, together through Persuade to relaxation, to breathing calmly again. It felt great.

I have started a new blog called Spicing up Life One Ingredient at A Time. It has been a lot of fun. I have found that I love to cook and the outcome is so rewarding.

Good news... my herbs are growing! Planted 6 different herbs and I see sprouts in ALL pots! Keep dreaming and continue to help.

God Bless.