Does this mean I truly am driven towards change? Or, is it I like controlled change as opposed to sudden, unpredictable change? A lot of change has occurred in my life since graduation in 2008, but I suppose it is like that for most graduates.
The career world suddenly starred me down and haunted me in my dreams. Somehow, I got caught up in this spill of one day after another and found myself contemplating going back to school for nursing. Although I contemplate this idea every single day and try to think of ways of how it would work with my passion to become a journalist and create a name for myself, I find myself floating while all these options trickle below me. Is it selfish to want to grasp them all and hug them close to me? Is it even possible?
How do I become a distinguished, successful journalist and go back to school to become a nurse? Should I take night classes? Should I take courses online? Am I sure I want to do this? Am I sure I want to make this difference in people's lives?
Once again these questions were solidified in my heart and mind when I saw her look into my eyes in her hospital room. It is nothing the same to what happened and started 2 years ago, but it is that same look. The same pleading, begging look to be looked after, to be promised, to be loved, to be not alone. I saw it in her eyes tonight, I heard it in her voice even though she proclaimed she wanted us three girls to start stepping away and go back to our own lives and maintain them. It is not about the things she says or that she did once say, it is about the look in the eyes, the 'thank you's never spoken, the love not always told, I know it is there and I know I want to be that stability, safety and serenity for so many more people. I want to give back what I have been blessed to have.
So, as we are faced with another possibility, which inevitably will change many things in our current lives, I find myself being rational, wise and mature about this decision. Barton got offered a job in Massachusetts and although we are ready to move, the job is not as stable as we would like. Should we feed into our pounding desire to move out of this state, or should we step cautiously and wait for something else? It is such a hard decision, especially since I do not have a job down there yet. Again, here we are. At this crossroads of change where the visibility is poor.
Time has been hard, money has been tight, hours have been sparse. I have indulged back into running and will start training for the marathon next week. I am excited. Barton and I ran 7 miles last night and it felt amazing. The money that hardly exists, the work, the constant search for something better, was left at the turn of the first corner and there we ran, together through Persuade to relaxation, to breathing calmly again. It felt great.
I have started a new blog called Spicing up Life One Ingredient at A Time. It has been a lot of fun. I have found that I love to cook and the outcome is so rewarding.
Good news... my herbs are growing! Planted 6 different herbs and I see sprouts in ALL pots! Keep dreaming and continue to help.
God Bless.
