It has been months from my last entry, weeks since my last journaling session and minutes since I have actually thought about writing.

I am here. I am here in San Francisco with an apartment, a job and a new city to explore. Things are not as easy as I dreamed of. As insignificant as it may seem, I battle with the transit system daily, I sit on benches late at night waiting for minutes upon minutes for a single bus that I hope will show up as tears stream down my face. I walk into an empty apartment with often a lack of passion and still find myself craving something so deep and so true... what is this depth? What is this truth? Is it finally time to accept that this depth and truth is not in a place, it is within me?

I am happy I moved. I am happy to be in a new city. I have yet to have a chance or the funds to really explore and I feel my days are being spent working, working out and again, battling the transit.

I am not at the job in which I had hope to get. I do have a lunch date with someone that I hope will lead to great potential. I hope this lunch date will lead to at least an internship, an open door and an endless amount of possibilities of exploration. I want to join groups; running groups, yoga groups, cooking groups, I want to travel to India to explore the depths of meditation and yoga, I want to learn about meditation, I want to learn about the inner being so I can find this truth and this depth?

I must already possess these answers that I seek. Am I too loud? Am I just not listening enough...?

Where do my dreams lay? I am on a path...that in turn will lead to great things.

Two Week Notice

I did it... I got it. I have my ticket in hand and with 3 weeks remaining, the clock has begun to loudly tick.

As I drove to work at 5:30 this morning, the familiar thought of departure crept into my mind. However, the usual feelings of excitement and eagerness did not visit me this morning, instead I was confronted with a feeling of fear. I think for the first time in planning this excursion I realized that it is not just a trip, it is a trip and a landing. I will not be returning to Vermont for a long while... I will not be returning to Vermont permanently for a long while. The most important question came to mind, 'when will I see my family again?' And that is where it began.

I have no idea.

After moving back to Vermont in 2008 and expecting a short stay of six months, I am still here two years later. I am not quite sure where the days went, but I am grateful for the time I have had back in my home state. Of course it is normal for this feeling of fear to arise when making a drastic change and I understand that. I felt the same type of fear when I moved back home two years ago. But things worked out... really well. I adapted and am happy I stayed, but it is now truly time for me to keep moving.

So back to this realization that I am leaving Vermont again and that there is an immense amount of uncertainty. This is a risk, but without risks... would we really be living? I am excited and when it comes down to it I know I will see my family as soon as things settle down a bit and hopefully they will feel brave enough to travel across the country. ;-)

Two week notices will be put in place on Wednesday to all jobs and from there on out it is a battle of packing the necessities, saying goodbye and tying the loose ends together. Until then I continue to cherish my work, contemplate decisions and brace myself.

Saturday night and I have to be up in 6 hours for work in the am... God Bless.

Still waiting for my Ticket

Muddy's and I, 'we were like peas and carrots.' Sitting at Muddy's again, indulging in a list of journalism jobs on the web and attempting to apply. I have certainly lost my motivation to apply, after working at it diligently for almost 7 months and receiving only one response and interview... it makes it tough to find that drive. So I sit here again, making an effort to stay motivated and hopeful.

My last post was in March... tisk tisk. There's really no excuse for it besides the fact that I have abandoned my writing for a while and taken a new route to focus on. I started working as a licensed nurse assistant and plan to use that as 'plan B' if finding a journalism job before I move to California does not pan out. It's great to have a back-up plan, but I would rather not use it as my crutch. Ideally, journalism is where I want to be.

Jazz fest in VT is this week. Burlington boy and I went to see Gerald Clayton's Trio last night at the FlynnSpace. It was beautiful. The piano was powerful, the drums were amazing and the bass held it all together. The performance was soothing; it swayed me into a state of relaxation, letting go of recent stress and allowing me to breathe easy. I watched the three embrace their music and let it consume them. They have found their niche. Do they realize that they have found it? Do they feel that this is their niche? A lot of the time I feel like I am searching. I try to let go. I try to let go of the flashlight that lights the way and guides my search. I try to breathe easy like so often recommended, and last night at this performance I turned off that flashlight, I dropped it on the floor and I let myself breathe easy. I let myself drift, I let my eyes close and let the music, their music consume me. For that short period of time, their music became my niche.

Settle down. Relax. Be here. In this moment. A few simple things that are my biggest challenges. All I want is to keep going. All I want is to achieve what I need to complete in order to get out of here. This intangible title, this 'ticket,' I want it and often feel like I need it to plan my escape.

Just a few days before I know... just a few more days.

Welcome to the Sewage Shop - It IS refreshing

Lazy Sunday. Burlington Boy and I engorged ourselves in a feast after many hours of sleep; blueberry pancakes, bacon, coffee and a stroll through town. Happy Sunday.

Spent last evening dancing, spilling drinks, and strolling the streets as a herd. It felt good. Caught up with a long lost friend and connected with people as our bond was strengthened, even though the bar often smelt like a sewage shop, I was refreshed.

There is something about meeting with many different people around one table, being loud, reckless and interested. All coming together to support, have fun and be with one another is inspiring. Having friends is inspiring. It is often over looked and just assumed, yes people have friends, but do we occasionally take them for granted? What would life be like without our daily companions, our best friends, our lovers? Boring. Lonely. Would we adapt?

I went for a 12 mile run yesterday afternoon as part of my training for the marathon and I found my mind wondering to one of my best friends. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of blessedness. How have I gotten so lucky to have just this one person in my life? I think of her and am overcome with relief, thankfulness and all feelings of ever being alone are shattered. We all have those days and I often say we are and always will be alone, but it is moments like this where I retrace those words and take them back.

With her in my life, with best friends in my life, I will not be alone in the heart or in the mind.

Try not to take them for granted, try to treat them as you want to be treated, stay in constant contact, fight for what you want.

Relaxing on this Sunday...God Bless.

Pounding Desire

I often find myself writing about change. I remember when I was younger I said I hated change but would counteract this notion by moving my room around every week just to add some spice.

Does this mean I truly am driven towards change? Or, is it I like controlled change as opposed to sudden, unpredictable change? A lot of change has occurred in my life since graduation in 2008, but I suppose it is like that for most graduates.

The career world suddenly starred me down and haunted me in my dreams. Somehow, I got caught up in this spill of one day after another and found myself contemplating going back to school for nursing. Although I contemplate this idea every single day and try to think of ways of how it would work with my passion to become a journalist and create a name for myself, I find myself floating while all these options trickle below me. Is it selfish to want to grasp them all and hug them close to me? Is it even possible?

How do I become a distinguished, successful journalist and go back to school to become a nurse? Should I take night classes? Should I take courses online? Am I sure I want to do this? Am I sure I want to make this difference in people's lives?

Once again these questions were solidified in my heart and mind when I saw her look into my eyes in her hospital room. It is nothing the same to what happened and started 2 years ago, but it is that same look. The same pleading, begging look to be looked after, to be promised, to be loved, to be not alone. I saw it in her eyes tonight, I heard it in her voice even though she proclaimed she wanted us three girls to start stepping away and go back to our own lives and maintain them. It is not about the things she says or that she did once say, it is about the look in the eyes, the 'thank you's never spoken, the love not always told, I know it is there and I know I want to be that stability, safety and serenity for so many more people. I want to give back what I have been blessed to have.

So, as we are faced with another possibility, which inevitably will change many things in our current lives, I find myself being rational, wise and mature about this decision. Barton got offered a job in Massachusetts and although we are ready to move, the job is not as stable as we would like. Should we feed into our pounding desire to move out of this state, or should we step cautiously and wait for something else? It is such a hard decision, especially since I do not have a job down there yet. Again, here we are. At this crossroads of change where the visibility is poor.

Time has been hard, money has been tight, hours have been sparse. I have indulged back into running and will start training for the marathon next week. I am excited. Barton and I ran 7 miles last night and it felt amazing. The money that hardly exists, the work, the constant search for something better, was left at the turn of the first corner and there we ran, together through Persuade to relaxation, to breathing calmly again. It felt great.

I have started a new blog called Spicing up Life One Ingredient at A Time. It has been a lot of fun. I have found that I love to cook and the outcome is so rewarding.

Good news... my herbs are growing! Planted 6 different herbs and I see sprouts in ALL pots! Keep dreaming and continue to help.

God Bless.

Sunday Morning Call

What I find so crazy is the quickness of change. What I find so crazy is I can feel the heartache and pain they are going through. What I find so crazy is how fast someone's life can be taken away.

Just received my second call of my career informing me of death. An indirect death that no doubt has had a direct effect on their lives, hearts, thoughts, and memories. Last week he was merely in the hospital, a victim of the prevalent H1N1 flu and now lifeless, beaten and defeated by the illness that has taken over our country.

I am in disbelief at the speed something can take over our immune systems, our one and only force keeping us alive. It's unthinkable that there are more powerful things out there to tear down and break down our bodies. Think about it, what we have is our skin, our blood, our heart, our organs, these things were built to keep us alive, these things were produced to carry us through time, to think of some illness destroying that creation is crazy. To think that there is something so much more powerful out there to take out life, is scary.

Feeling bad for these people and wishing in some way I could do something to shed some pain.

Be thankful for the people in your life and try not to take them for granted.

Happy Thanksgiving.

God Bless.

"Who You Gonna Call"

At Muddy's enjoying the Saturday afternoon with Michael Buble and his new album "Crazy Love."

So I went out last night with a few girlfriends, the night consisted of free shots, continuous groping by strangers, loosing and then finding my friends, laughing at the one that was the most drunk and then walking back alone at 2 in the morning, unsafe in and of itself.

Maybe it is the bar we chose to go to, or maybe it is the majority of people that occupy Vermont, but why do guys deem it "okay" to rub a girls back, butt, arm, squeeze her side or tap her shoulder as she is walking by and then proceed to wink at her, why do they deem it "okay" to do these things to a complete stranger? I find it comical now, but was absolutely annoyed last night. Single or in a relationship, are these the type of guys that girls are really looking for? Are they the type of guys they are really attracted to?

I sit here trying to grasp some sort of perspective, how did I get to this point? It is a contradicting question with many answers, many angles and a lot of depth. Here's my attempt:

Well I moved here last summer to be with him. To start a life with him where we could physically be together. That all came crashing down one week before I moved back and he shattered my world and took my heart tumbling down with it. I picked up the pieces, moved back home like planned and built a new structure for myself to stand on. It was called willpower, it was called determination, it was called strength. So I built it, I helped it grow, I formed a life with new friends, new goals, new perspective and no turning back. I think what I loved most about that time was that I was one my own, the newness was exciting, riveting, and fun. I did not depend or rely on anyone but myself. I relied on myself to make new friends, to build a great enough friendship with these people to go out with and have fun with. It was hard, but I would do it all over again if I had to. Summer turned to Fall and I somehow found myself in love. It took me by surprise when I literally almost blurted out the words 'I love you' before going to quit a job. I kept my original goal of staying home to save money for my trip to Europe in the Spring, I had the opportunity of being with my grandma everyday as she passed away. These first 6 months back home were crucial. So I saved that money and I went over to Europe for a month. Exploration was our only goal. It's hard to believe that that trip was merely 9 months ago...We returned.. I went back home with new goals and new wants, the months have passed by, goals have been met and things have been pushed to future dates. But that doesn't answer my question.

How did I get to a point where I hardly go out with my girlfriends? Is it because most of them don't live here anymore? Maddie, has come and gone back to Seattle... Erika now lives in Cali, Angela still lives in Boston...Margo has moved on to Norway.. Girlfriend is STILL in Minnesota...It's crazy to have a huge group of girlfriends and all this great support constantly surrounding me and then have more than half of them move away. Great for them, I am truly happy that they have all moved on but I miss them. I miss this support surrounding me. I guess what it comes down to is that I am upset with the fact that I don't have many girlfriends to call up anymore.

So what am I going to do about it? Make more friends. It's such a childish thing, but I feel if you're not in school or working, it is hard to make friends, and I think this same concept applies to meeting a potential partner. Maybe I just need more time to myself. Maybe I need to go back to standing on that structure. Either way this feels good, sitting here, alone, (well with Michael) and attempting to lay it out.

There are many ways in which I could embrace this and I guess the best way would be positively. Set goals, get things done, keep on keeping on.