A Critic We All Are

A seat-less theatre filled with hopeless romantics left hopeful.

I just came home from watching the Sex and the City movie. A movie, or as a friend of mine said, ‘an emotional rollercoaster,’ cliché yes, but also very true.

After every episode of a Sex and the City encounter I find myself contemplating life, love, relationships and what it all is. Carrie once said that she was looking for inconvenient, overwhelming love, are we all looking for this? With defining it as inconvenient and overwhelming, don’t we make it a lot more difficult for ourselves and become much more narrow-minded? I was walking home contemplating my own life, my own city and my own relationships. I thought of the word compassion and how I believe every single person wants it, craves it. Wishes for a compassionate kiss, a compassionate hug, a compassionate handshake, a compassionate look, compassionate sex, a compassionate gesture. What is compassion?

I picture compassion as a deep dark hole. Something that can only be defined as a mystery. An open-ended idea that we allow ourselves to feel, derive and hope for. And once we feel it, that squint in our eyes, make me want to cry compassion, it feels good.

But why should we limit ourselves to looking and finding compassion only in other things, other objects, other people? Do we do this? If we look for it in someone else, then it will leave with that someone else. If we look for it in something else, then it will leave with that something else.

I think about my love letter I would write to him. My Mr. Big. My love. And in the days that have led me here so many thoughts come to mind, so many words and so many memories, but most of all joy and compassion come to my heart. The squint in my eyes, want to make me cry compassion. It’s not because I miss him, or because we have not talked in a while, it’s because I love him. The thought of him makes me light headed, the thought of loving him makes me weak, the thought of losing him makes me queasy.

I felt for Carrie when Mr. Big called the night before the wedding and she heard the doubt in his voice. I’ve been there and I’m sure most men and women have been there. Not necessarily on the day before their wedding, but I am sure that any person in a relationship has heard that doubt in their significant others voice. It makes my hands start to shake. It makes my whole body start to shake.

What are we willing to do for the ones we love. 

I sit at my desk. Another month is this apartment, another month in this room, another month with my best friend, my roommate and another month with my cat. After four years of living in this city, I will move on. I came home tonight thinking that it already does not feel like mine anymore. Maybe it’s because he just left. Maybe it’s because I know he will be living here in my room. Soon to be my old room. I will move out and she will move in.

I am not angry. I am more then happy for her and him. I am sad to be so quickly replaced. Maybe it’s more of an idea that she has planned it out and prepared where I am here, uncertain of so many things.

This too will pass.

I’ve significantly considered going back home to be with him. To start a life with him. But could I be happy there? Would it be the same? Would I find a career to support myself? Is this what I want for me right now? Would making such a big change between us be a mutual thing, or am I alone in this?

As I was walking home tonight surrounded by the usual Friday crowd my thoughts of leaving the city were awakened. I don’t want to leave yet. I’m having too much fun. Maybe I will as this month carries on, or maybe I won’t. Maybe some time at home will help me decide. Maybe some job opportunities will lead me in a whole new direction.

Maybe, maybe right now.

One More Step

So here I am. May 25th waiting for my friend to pick me up to go bbqing and swimming for the night. It will be great to get out of the city but my stupid thoughts won't stop going to him. Maybe I'm over reacting, maybe this is how it always has been, always a step back when things aren't perfect, when things are just a little harder then each of us wants. A step back and a spin and all I get is his back turned to me. The way I see it is when something is going wrong or something isn't as perfect as we would want it to be, it should be talked out, worked out. I feel the worst way is to stop talking. We have hardly talked all weekend and from what I see, he thinks it is 'easier' to deal with it??? Yes this is an absolute bitch blog but whatever. He says I give him attitude so he doesn't talk to me. Doesn't care to ask what's up. Doesn't care to give me an inch of time, just would rather go on with his life and forget about the difficulty that I'm giving him. It's easier that way. Bull shit. 

So what now I think. How does it visually seem so much easier for everyone else. Every couple that surrounds me just makes it look so simple. What is it? I don't get it. 

It is what it is. Us not talking, us fighting.... it all will pass and this too will pass. Things will get better and things will get worse. I can give them the attention I think they deserve or just let everything be what it really is. Indifferent issues in life that seem to distract us from enjoying every step and every breath. 

This too will pass...