Caught

Why must an event, an emotion or some significant thing make us see that we become so caught up in the motion of events that take up each moment of our days and lives?

My grandma had a minor stroke this morning. It's crazy. My mom called me and from the first word she spoke, I instantly knew something wasn't right. In the two seconds that she assured herself that I was somewhere I could listen, horrible thoughts, images and possibilities ran through my mind. My dad, my sister, Kevin, my sister's husband, my grandmas.... every person raced through my head. 

After she told me my mind instantly went into overdrive. I have to call Joey to see if I can use the car, I have to call my internship, I need someone to cover for me tomorrow at work...I need something, something to hold on to, an image of me holding onto something; a metal bar, something to steady me and my thoughts. It was like I couldn't stop looking around but I didn't even know what I was looking for.

It was scary. Ever since I watched my grandpa die of oral cancer when I was a senior in high school, I have felt like the one who has been there to take care of and comfort my grandma, besides my dad. I  feel her and I's relationship has evolved and that I should be there for her. It's this sense of responsibility I hold not only because I love her, but because I love my grandpa. Taking care of her feels good and I want my grandpa to sleep in peace. 

I hate how I can get so caught up in everything and it all just seems so indifferent. I mean here I am, about to graduate from college and I'm worried about getting a new place and finding a job. I'm so caught up in all of these standards that society perceives as important to succeed. Yes, I know we need a job to pay for food and all the necessities, but people just take it to a whole other extreme, and I feel like I get caught up in it. 

We create the pace of life, the pace of our life, we can either continue to run through it or slow down and grab onto the important things or people close to our heart. We can't go through life jumping from place to place or job to job in expectations to somehow reach a higher level of succession. We can't allow society to set the goals for us and define what success is. 

We can't let society set the tempo to the pace we run, all we can do is hold onto the things and people that make the pace feel right.

Conscious

What's the difference between the days where you want to walk down the street with your arms wide open and your face to the sky compared to the days where you just want to sink into your coat that just seems too small?

The difference is us, not the world, but us. Not the things that constantly cycle through our heads, but the action of actually getting in touch with how we feel; for once forgetting the voice in our head that constantly reminds us of everything that surrounds us, and feeling.

I'm currently reading this book, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's a spiritual book that focuses on 'living in the now.' I find it hard to pick up sometimes and easy to put down, but every time I  place it back on my night stand or the table that sits in front of me, I find my thoughts continuously going back to what I had just read. It talks about being in the state of consciousness and unconsciousness, this idea that to be unconscious is to allow the voice in our head become us and to be conscious is to recognize the voice and realize we have control of it and it not us.  

I guess it could sound far-fetched, absurd or ridiculous. But when it inevitably comes down to it, we all have this voice in our head, either pushing us, holding us back or just being. This book looks at this idea that society is extremely consumer based and that we define ourselves by the things we have, we own or we possess. Tolle talks about these things such as a car, a house/mansion/shack with each of these three descriptions our mind goes directly to an image. An image of the building, an image of the person that occupies that building, we, as a society have created such a materialistic world where we judge people upon what they have. This in turn leads us to feel superior if we live in a mansion or inadequate to society if we don't have a home. 

Do we have control over the things we own, or are we led and guided by the things we think we 'should' have or we 'need?'

This book is interesting, it makes me think. I recommend it to anyone. 

"Don't Blink, Time Goes Faster Then You Think"

So graduation is approaching. 

I stood in line this morning for two hours with friends to get tickets to participate in white river rafting in Maine, Six Flags and some other activities the school has prepared for seniors. I don't think it's settle in that in a little over a month I will be completely done with my college career. 

"Don't blink, time goes faster then you think." 

I can't believe it's over, I can't really grasp the idea of not going to class or of just living here for the hell of it. Yes I am hoping to get a career around here, but it will be completely different. Change is good though.

I can look at this next chapter with fear or enthusiasm. Basically come July 1st I can do and go anywhere I want. My lease will be up, as of right now I have no real job obligations and school will be over. So I guess the question is should I start planning? I started looking into apartments a few weeks ago and have been working on getting my resume out there, which is all good and exciting, but why tie myself down again, when I'm not even sure if this is where I want to be. 

Ideally, I would love to travel more. Being in Europe for four months was an amazing experience and I want to continue. 

When I think about it and visualize it, it's a book, everyone's life is a book and every new experience or life changing event is perceived as a new chapter. I see my graduation as an end to a chapter and the days following are blank pages. I feel like I have come up with possible names for the chapter, but nothing is solidified yet. I guess it's something I just need to go with. 

Thought change....

SO I was at the gym today working out on the elliptical listening to my 'Work it Out' mix I have on my ipod when I see Barack Obama bowling! Alright, seriously what the hell is up with this? Our economy is failing and this guy, our possible future president is bowling? How can he expect to get votes and be taken seriously when he's bowling and our economy is failing?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtBBgn0I34E

So maybe he was attempting at the 'regular guy' scene, but really, do we want to depend on a 'regular guy' when we have such huge issues in this country that need to be addressed? Gas prices are souring, Delta Airlines have just raised their prices, suspicious packages are arriving at Florida airports, and Obama is bowling.

Yes sir! Sign me up for that guy!

So he has proven to some that his debating skills are adequate, his policies and promises may lead the country in a positive direction, but it's another portrayed scene similar to McCain and Romney bickering like little school girls; who wants to vote for a person focused and concerned about receiving a vote and feeding into what the people want to see? Why not actually focus on the issues at hand and what will lead this country into a positive direction. 

We have enough professional bowlers and bickering little school girls, lets see you play the role of a politician who hopes to be the President of the United States.