"Take Time to Realize.."

Slow down, lay down, sit still, turn off the lights, silence the phone and play that music. Exhausted. I lay here in my bed and begin to let the music sway my mind and thoughts into a blur. It feels as if I have not slowed down in a few weeks. Have not had the time to fully collect myself and regain strength to keep going, yet somehow I find myself continuing to move and step through each day. Life is good. Don't allow my complaints of exhaustion let you think otherwise, because this extreme weight upon my eyes is worth it. Every late night, every early morning, every sleepless moments, were worth this weight. 

Many things have happened these past few weeks that have changed my views, arisen thoughts and feelings I thought I was over and allowed me to be on a sea-saw of contradicting feelings. 

Recently I have been contemplating how much each individual fools themselves. Fools themselves into believing they're happy, fooling themselves into believing a piece of chocolate cake is fine 3 times a week, fooling themselves into believing that drinking every night will not catch up with them, fooling themselves into believing that they look good in jeans that are just way too tight.  However, it hasn't been these indifferent ideas that have caught my mind, it has been this idea that we fool ourselves into believing we are happy, but why? When I ask myself this I think about relationships I've been in and relationships my friends and family have been in. Why fool ourselves into believing that things are really better then they are, in the end we'll only be hurting and punishing ourselves.

Were they ever happy? Were we ever happy? Or were we all just caught up in this routine of pretending and false perceptions? I understand that happiness is not a constant thing, yet comes and goes, which gives us a ground to stand on. Constant happiness would be boring, predicting, a waste. So why waste our time fooling ourselves when we could just drop it all and actually go for the real thing? Is this the real thing? Do I have it all wrong, or am I looking at it in a negative light? When something doesn't work out am I automatically assuming that I was fooling myself? A lot of questions, yes I know, but it's challenging to decipher and it's been on my mind. 

I was driving to work the other morning and found myself caught up in feelings I thought I surpassed. I was dumbfounded and apparently need to take the time to realize that it's not that simple. It still hurts, but I know the choice is mine now and the way it is is the way I choose it to be.  I haven't figured out if it's better for me to stay constantly busy or to just slow down and breath it all in. I guess I do both and intertwine the two.

I don't understand where it all goes, the love. How can two people, or even one for that matter, tell another they love them and then so quickly turn their back. It's not just me, it's in any relationship. Friendship, lovers, family. One wrong move, or one action not taken and that's it, it's snatched away and you're left standing there without your breath. You stand there suffocating as you watch the other walk away when you just can't seem to move. Where do you put it? The love, the feelings, the emotions, the memories, where does it all go? After it all, how can any person so quickly turn around, turn their back and just walk away? I guess it becomes a matter of themselves, and what they believe is best for themselves and what they need, we are only what we have. 

Rambling, I know, I'm exhausted.