Shed the Skin

Sit sit sit, shed shed shed. As I gaze upon you and the ability to react dissipates another layer is shed. Reaching into the cupboard to grab you a sweet treat, something you never turn down, you ask, 'how will you get across.' I pause as I reach for the Oreos and respond, 'across what?' 'The field,' you say. A complete lack of reality and the present moment, I try to enter your world and respond with a witty phrase that may make you laugh or come back to me. 

In and out, in and out you shift from an exciting sentence that holds only the beginning and no intention of being finished. Frustrated you become as I continue to ask what or who. Should I not try to understand what you are saying to me? Is it only making you frustrated and angry? 

Moments that no one can understand, moments that I do not want to share with others in fear that it may put them in an awkward position. Still grateful to be here with her, by her side and still happy that in brief instances she sees me and comes back. If it's those brief instances we have left then I want them all. 

I feel as if my skin is being peeled off of me. As if I had a horrible sunburn and the dead, burnt skin is finally peeling off to be replaced by the fresh new skin. I envision this skin just shedding off of me. These moments of loss, her inability to connect with reality, her inability to comprehend a situation, her inability to be the woman I know she is, are on me as I sit with her at the table, but as I close my eyes I feel the skin peeling back, I feel the skin shedding. These moments of her last few days won't be the ones to stick, because in my heart I know that is not who she is. 

I guess the only way to be the closest to death without dying is to see someone take their last breath, I had hoped I would be here to see it like I was with my grandpa. I know it won't happen but sometimes I just wish I could change the way things were going to be. 

It's like a flash of clarity when she comes back. She looks at me, eyes glazed over from the medicine we have her on to prevent the pain of the massive tumor taking over her soul, unmindful of what she was beginning to say or what we were talking about, and then the second hand moves once more and her eyes clear, she looks at me with a smile and I hold on to her gaze as the clock ticks and my heart beat becomes steady. Stay with me, stay with me I plead silently. I feel no words can be said when she finds that clarity, afraid it may shift her back into the unconscious  state. It's too late to write what I wanted to write and read it to her, I fear that if she stays like she was last night for the remaining time, it will not register. 

A few times in the past week I've wanted to run early, to take the nothingness that I have packed and just go. Step away from the challenges that face me and into the sweet serenity of exploration. Soon enough, but not before I take these challenges head on as to not worry, question or contemplate decisions made when I leave. 

The only way to conquer the demons are to face them without fear.

Shed the Skin 

Intimate Nod

Sitting at my desk filling out checks for parking tickets, applications to apply for health insurance, emails to inform people I will not be at the meeting and searching the web for some spark of memory of the museum I am writing about. Contemplating going to the gym, but unsure whether or not I can muster up the energy at 10 pm. 

The night has been interesting, mostly spent in the kitchen trying to piece together a puzzle and visit with my grandma. It's uplifting to know that we can all still make her laugh and laugh together. It's encouraging. 

Caught this afternoon with an abrupt realization that sometimes what people say does not always live up to what they tend to do. A glimpse of the past hit me as I grabbed the stew out of the microwave and remembered all those things I mentally noted that I did not want. I did not know that it would occur to me that quickly, that all the things I learned would instantly pop to the front line of my train of thoughts and mentally remind me, that hey, this is something you do not want or do not like. An intimate nod of appreciation between myself and I that those moments did teach me something and this moment was something I could go without. 

It was a contradicting feeling. Shocked at the words that not too long were pronounced and then denied after the statement, yet satisfied with my quickness of my own comprehension. Why say something or promise something if you are unsure that you can live up to those promises or words? A questions that always has baffled me. A simple request of not to promise anything you know you can not fulfill, promises evoke hope and if this promise is not fulfilled or broken it results in disappointment. Why encourage these contradicting feelings when they can be easily avoided? Make a promise if you know you can fulfill it, and if not then hold that hope to yourself and smile when you do secretly fulfill it.  

Another weekend where the house will be filled with guest to visit my grandma. We had a scary night on Monday and I woke up Tuesday morning uncertain if she was still alive. Gladly she was and we have been blessed with her presence and smile until a higher spirit feels it is time.

God Bless.