Thank you God

It’s happening, just as the wind blows the lone leaf that sits at the foot of the open door. Time is moving, the family arrives and although it’s a sad time I feel happiness. Is she happy that it is time? Is she happy that she will soon be reunited with the love of her life? Is she looking forward to reuniting? Am I wrong to be skeptical of them ever really meeting again? Is that my lack of belief in God and religion? 

She says she has accepted it because she has felt like she lost her 4 years ago when she lost her love. Do I not feel that because over these past 4 years I feel that it has been a chance for her and I to solidify our relationship? To become not just grandmother and granddaughter, but friends. I secretly lean on her and her strength as she does the same. I went to her when I needed support. I sat next to her not speaking about the things that hurt but using her words and stories to strengthen my own will and soul, for these reasons she was and is my rock. 

Feeling selfish for the thoughts I have but needing so much. Within the past week so much has happened, so much has changed and so much is still to come. We won't know any answers until tomorrow. This week has consisted of me in pure denial, but it has also powered me to become stronger and to face reality. It's funny how it all happens at once. What's the saying, 'when it rains, it pours.' 

I find it interesting how although we are all born to die, when death has finally approached us and sits only a few weeks or months from our door it is devastating. For something we are born to do and for something we know our entire lives, I would think that it wouldn't be so shocking. 

It's so easy to push people away and I often do when things get serious. I guess it's just the way I work, it's my mechanism to avoiding the issue and making it disappear when it stands in front of me blinding my way. All I can say is thank you God for blessing us with the time and opportunity to keep our promise and gamble in Vegas together. And thank you God for giving me the chance to become so close to her. All I ask is that she passes with as little pain as possible. 

Even when I think these things or I write them out in front of me, I feel as if it's too soon. I feel optimistic and hopeful that something is going to change. Something will happen and miraculously her life will be prolonged and she will again make the coleslaw and pumpkin pie for many more Thanksgiving gatherings to come.

Optimism or denial.... either way I'll find out tomorrow.