Dream Big...

Written On July 23rd...

August 7th of 2010 Barton and I started our journey across the country. As we lay in the living room this afternoon I thought of the moment we pulled out of the familiar driveway in St. George... tears in my eyes... excitement in my heart and so much uncertainty and unknown in front of us; it was one of those unforgettable, inspiring, life changing moments.

I thought to myself today what an amazing trip it was traveling across the country. Not only with him, but with myself. Everything we saw and everything we did made us stronger, smarter and so much more aware of who we are, who we were and who we hope to become. I reminisced today about the many hours in the car on the road with the music, the stories, the games and the silence. It was a beautiful thing. I reminisced today about the museums, the sights and the many people we met along the way. It was a beautiful thing.

It has almost been a year since we left that drive way, it is so hard to believe how fast it has all gone by. So much has changed, so much has developed, so much has happened and so many good choices have been made.

Since August 7th of 2010 I have traveled to NYC, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C., Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee, Missouri, Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada and California.

I have seen and traveled across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, I have finally been to my nation's Capitol, I have been in a "boat crash," I have put my feet in the Mississippi river, I have traveled across the Mississippi River, I have been to the National Civil Rights Museum, I have been to the top of the big arc in St. Louis, I have driven stick through Kansas City, I have been to Colorado Springs to see the Seven Falls, I have been to Denver, Colorado, I have seem some of the most amazing natural beauty in this country and I have been to Tahoe which remains a place that I need to see again.

Since August 7th 2010 I have completed 9 courses that I needed to apply to nursing school. Since August 7th 2010 I have been accepted into nursing school. I have run 2 marathons, soon to be 3. I have traveled to San Diego, home twice and will go to North Carolina before the year mark. I have moved into an apartment, acquired a job, quit a job and acquired another job. I have learned how to maneuver my way through San Francisco. I have been to the theatre, I have been ice skating, I have been to the ocean, I have been sailing, I have seen dolphins, I have seen whales, I have gone spelunking and I have met so many amazing people. I have accomplished two of my new years resolutions with one still remaining....

As I lay in the living room this afternoon and thought about all of the things I have seen and experienced I thought back to the day we left and thought back to the person I used to be. I was scared that day. I was so uncertain about so many things, but I went for it because .... well.... why not. I had already quit all my jobs in Vermont, I really had nothing keeping me there and the road basically opened up to me.

These things that I have accomplished and seen would have never happened if we hadn't pulled out onto the road. The thing about it is, it is the little things that always make the big difference. There were so many mornings when I would be studying and would just think what the hell am I doing? I am exhausted, I have no time to do anything and I am burying myself deeper and deeper. But today I recognized that those small assignments, those mornings of waking up and those moments of despair allowed me to get to where I am right now.

I am happy and satisfied right now because of all the small things that I do everyday.

Dream big...but don't forget it is the small things that make those dreams reality.

God Bless.

A Version of Our Parents

The steam comes off my cup of tea, I fall back on the couch and listen to the music. Finished a first draft of the paper I needed to start, and debating whether or not to start reading that next chapter.

I sit here wondering what I will do with all my free time when I am finished with these classes. Will I blog more? Will I write more? Will I finally finish editing that video? Will I start doing yoga? Will I start taking dance classes again? Will I cook more like I use to? Will I just sit back on the couch and allow myself to watch the steam come off my cup of tea until it is cool enough to drink? What will I do with my time?

I sometimes wonder if I need to be constantly doing something. Constantly doing homework, constantly cleaning up, constantly preparing for the next move, constantly constant. Can I just sit still for a few moments? I can succeed in these pre-reqs, but can I succeed in simply relaxing?

I was at work today and was speaking to a friend about our parents. He said to me how he is beginning to understand his parent's relationship better now that he is becoming older. He is beginning to see it in a different light and envision the things that were once unclear. I think this happens to many of us. As children we grow up with a blurred vision of our parents, they are our parents and simply that. We place this image in a tight box unaware of their lives, accomplishments and needs, as children we are too naive to understand the vastness of who they really are. However, as we get older, smarter and are able to take step back, we realize that who we are and who we are becoming is so severely shaped by our parents, it's astounding. We have similar attributes and the ones that are not similar are different because we decided, based upon their choices, to go a different direction. We all are a new version of our parents with hints of them all over our faces and in our actions, it is a beautiful thing.

It is Father's Day today, I hope everyone had a chance to make contact with their dads. I called Pops this morning and spoke with both my mom and dad. It amazes me what a different light I see my parents in now that I have become an adult, am living on my own and have become an adult to them and not a little girl. They are real people. Growing up they were just parents to me. I suppose I shouldn't say just but that is what they were. There was no other dimensions to who they were, in my mind they didn't have friends or a life before me. However, as I became a teenager, as I went to college and as I am living across the country, I find it so amazing to see their own accomplishments and their own life flourishing in front of me. I find it soothing to listen to the stories they have and to hear the things that they are doing with their days together. It is inspiring to see such strength and growth in my own parents and I hope one day to be as strong and successful as both of them.

My tea is ready to drink.

God Bless.

The Stages

San Diego marathon ... t-7 days. As I sat at the table with friends tonight and we spoke about running, chills spread across my body and my excitement overwhelmed me. We spoke about our methods, our pace, our breathing, our pains, our stages and our passion for the road.

I sat there listening to his own techniques to motivate and conquer the messages his body would send him. As I listened, I thought about my own motivations, my own methods to conquer the secrets my body whispers to me while on the road.

He asked about the different stages I go through, at first I was perplexed and confused by the question. 'Stages...' I said, 'what do you mean by stages?' 'You know, the different mentalities and moments you go through while running.' I thought, oh yes I know what you mean. I instantly thought of the constant line of connecting stages and moments throughout each and every one of my runs. Whether it be 3 miles, 5 miles, 18 miles or 20 miles, each stage takes me by complete surprise and complete ambiguity.

I have run two marathons in my life, soon to be three. I mentally envision my first marathon as an event, something to do to succeed. There was no real goal but to cross the outstanding finish line. The stages were minimum, basically a constant feeling of amazing power and strength. A constant feeling of amazement, the idea that I decided to run a marathon, and I alone was running the marathon. I went through a stage of weakness. Mile 13 and a long road in front of me. I was feeling defeated, depleted and down. A short pep talk and a few runners to guide me to the next mile vanished my defeated feeling and left me again with that powerful pump.

My second marathon was full of stages. It seems the same almost every time; the ubiquitous endorphins, the excitement and the rush. It always makes my heart beat to a surprising pace. Chills creep up my skin from my toes to my forehead before the gun explodes and I begin the run. If I can keep my mind quite and my breathing focused, I can maintain a peaceful, stressless, strong run. It is the moments I allow my mind to wander that tend to leave me curled over in a stitch struggling to breathe. It has happened to me on a 18 mile training run, a 15 mile training and a few 5 mile training runs. I allow my thoughts to escape the tight chest I have locked them in. I allow my thoughts to escape the boundaries that I have set for the run. When this occurs my thoughts randomly slither down roads that I normally try to avoid. These thoughts, these feelings, leave me breathless. The tears start to form, the tomato clogs my throat and I can't breath. How can I possibly run, if I can't breath?

At this moment, at this stage, when I am struggling to breath and desperately trying to redirect and calm my thoughts, I become stronger. Because of fear, I try to avoid these moments, but it is in these moments, that I become stronger. I may look weak, arm holding stomach, head at my knees, tears in my eyes, literally gasping for breath, struggling to breath, but I am me, attempting to finally release these suppressed, tightly monitored feelings. I incidentally ran into one of these moments during my second marathon, thankfully I had the power to calm those raging thoughts attempting to bust through the chest. But these stages, they are real, they are powerful and they are what makes a marathon a challenge.

So I continue to conquer one marathon after another...

God Bless

The Pixie Dust of my Soul

Time simply goes by too fast. Another year has passed and I continue to think of you everyday. The little pup is a constant reminder of you, but so are my thoughts. Missing you each moment, I wish I could talk to you and see you, the moments seem endless. A best friend that I lost, it seemed too sudden.

"I won't go nowhere without you in my heart."

I still wish everyday that I had been there in that last moment, for your last breath. Maybe it was better that I was across the world where I could drown my pain in new discoveries and places. You are constantly thought of and constantly loved.

I look for you in the sky and seek you in my dreams. I listen for your voices in times of needed guidance. I hope you two found each other in Heaven. I hope you know I try my hardest and you both are my inspiration for a better life and an admirable career. I love you both and see you in my mind as I write this. No need to close my eyes to imagine your images. No need to close my eyes to focus on your voice, I hear it, I often speak it.

Has it really been that long? 2004 and 2009, February 4th. What has happened? Where has the time gone? It's all been a constant quest. Searching, experiencing, discovering, growing and breathing. Have you been watching over us? Shaking your heads at bad choices and pushing us along when our hesitation seems to get in the way? Have you been laughing with us at family meals and gatherings? Where does your spirit reside?

I live in San Francisco now, but I feel like my spirit is sprinkled many places. The pixie dust of my soul is sprinkled throughout the world upon people that I have loved and love.

The day has come and gone and I continue to place my thoughts upon the memories we have together. You have taken a part of my soul to Heaven with you and it is a beautiful thing. I will continue to sprinkle it among the places I go and the people I meet. Keep it safe and hold it close, as I do to the moments of us that I truly and deeply cherish.

God Bless.

Perseverance

Reading over my last entry and noticing the date it was posted, and I think, 'yes I am due for another entry.'

In the middle of cooking dinner for a party of six. On tonight's menu:

Sliced tomatoes and avocados drizzled in olive oil, salt and pepper

Sourdough baguette with french brie cheese.

Mixed green salad with a balsamic red wine vinaigrette.

Baked chicken with roasted potatoes and sauteed green beans with onions and garlic.

Vanilla ice cream and key lime sorbet with berries.

Wine is welcomed.

Seemingly endless days of work leads me to two days off. Napa Valley tomorrow to explore the vast wineries and then 20 miles on Wednesday to simply start the day.

My girlfriend was recently in town. As we picked up right where we left off and sipped on our sparkling wine to celebrate our few days together, the stories, memories and gossip seemed to simply roll off our tongues.

As I have written once before, being around GF helps to heighten my dreams and allow me to be much more aware of my aspirations. I came to this realization one morning in Vermont as we sat outside Speeder and Earl's on Church Street. We sat there coming up with our list of dreams and things that we will accomplish. As I sat there and thought about the possibilities, I realized and she helped me realize, that it is all very possible. A hostel in Europe, an American bakery in a foreign country, a nurse, a traveling nurse, and a journalist, among many other things. A list of seemingly random goals that could all very well be accomplished.

As we sat on the 39th floor of the Marriot in San Francisco, sipping on our cocktails and looking over the city, an overwhelming feeling of satisfaction came over me. Each step I take, homework assignment I complete, exam I schedule, dollar I earn and mile I run, my goals continue to grow and I persevere in touching upon my list of aspirations.

Barton calls me head strong...maybe you can also call it stubborn, but I don't think I have ever wanted to be good at so many things before in my life. I cook not only because I love it, but because I want to be good at it. I take classes and respect my professors because I want to be a good student, but also because I want to succeed. I want to be knowledgable in my field of study and once I enter into my profession, I want to be the best. I run because I love it, it is freeing and it keeps me in shape; I want to be a great marathon runner. I wait tables to earn the money I need to live and pay for school, but as I wait tables, I try to be the best server I can, I want to be respected and create an admirable reputation for myself.

I just want to do well, I want to prosper and I want to reach my goals and dreams. Life is too short to sit around, live in an unhappy situation of miserable circumstances and wait for something better to come along. If anyone really thinks that the best moments happen by waiting for them and not seizing new experiences or moments, then by my opinion, they are creating a lifeless existence. Why let other people determine your fate? Why let other people control the things you want to do or the things you want? Within this life there is only us, there is only you. I am not saying destroy people to get to the top, but I am saying seize the moment and do what you want to do. Follow your dreams, open up and allow yourself to realize the possibilities. Don't let someone else control your fate.

I want to be good at everything I do. Actually, I strive for excellence. For the A's, for the great meals, for the shorter marathon time, and for the punctual employee. These daily goals make me stronger and make me a better person. I am not invincible, but I strive for excellence and brilliance.

So as the night comes to an end and I will soon find myself happily closing my eyes, I can sleep well knowing that I have tried my best today. I will wake in the morning with a few hours to study and a morning run and then take the day to enjoy the company of close friends.

Strive for excellence, although some days it seems impossible and exhausting, days like those make the accomplishments that much more rewarding.

God Bless.

Do they coincide?

---A random morning after returning from my trip.

Growth and happiness, do they coincide? Do they encompass each other? I sat around with my friends from home and watched them as I saw their growth in the time that had passed. I am proud. Their growth is symbolic and reflective of my own growth. Their happiness is symbolic and reflective of my own happiness. It was a comforting feeling.

As we grow, do we gain happiness? It could have been the way it always was, but through ambition and a new degree of desire, the norm shifted to something new. A great something new. A positive twist to something that was so engrained.

So, here I am, back in the city that helps me grow. Instantly back in the swing of things. Days consisting of hours with books, running endless miles and nights in comfort. Application deadlines are approaching as one is already behind me. I continue to type my thoughts in my phone as I ride the muni to the bart and the bart deeper into the city. Epiphanies take me by surprise and I find myself vigorously typing.

I'll continue to listen to my country music in this new city as I glide through the crowds and embrace my own happiness.

"But it doesn't really matter anymore..."

The tear rolls down my cheek and I click 'new post.'

I silently packed tonight. I silently folded the clothes and carefully placed them in my suitcase. It has come and is now going, a brief trip home and I will return to the west coast.

I don't really know what my problem is. It hits the bed.

'say your goodbyes, and off we go.' 'some conversation, no contemplation, hit the road.'

I can't sit still long enough to just stop. The choice was made. It was out of my hands. This feeling is not about that.

I sat at the bar surrounded by best friends.

My last full day tomorrow before I go back. What do I want to do? I am scheduled to run 17 miles. I accomplished eight tonight with some lifting. I gave my thoughts one mile before I shut down, shut off and simply glided for the last seven miles. This won't matter in two weeks. This won't matter on Thursday.

It just doesn't matter.

A Morning in Vermont

Can't sleep. Yet unable to get out of this amazingly comfortable bed. Concerned that the puppy is chewing on my boots. Home for a week and it already seems to be flying by. Hitting the gym in a little while to gain some footing and then a full day of massages, pedicures, lunches, dinners and shopping. It is quite luxurious. Apparently snow is on the way. My stomach is hungry. Trying to remind myself how I got here, not physically but part physically and mentally. It's weird to think that I have a life on the west coast that no one here knows about. It is very weird actually. I guess they know the important thing and that is that I've landed safely. But they don't know the little things. The bus route I take, the coffee shop I love, my favorite building in the city, the thoughts I have when I look at the Bay bridge. Maybe it is partly my fault and my lack of sharing or documenting. But either way, I have a whole other life across the country that is certainly unknown to them. But I guess that's how it's going to be when you simply get up and leave. Things here are refreshing. Maybe it is the pure, cold air or just the ability to breath freely for a little while. Some things have changed while others have stayed the same. But it's not all that surprising. Deep breaths, realizations and a few moments to stretch. Filling my stomach and hitting the gym.

God Bless.