Searching and Finding Tranquility

I have just got back from attending a Gregory Douglass concert at Higher Ground, it was anything but 'murky.' An extremely comfortable setting with a voice beautiful enough to fill a room a million times the size of the one I sat in. I have not seen Gregory perform live in over two years, but much like any other time I have seen him perform live, his voice and lyrics reach a depth of my soul that I never knew existed. He has heightened my passion for music and it is his own songs that have taught me how to loose myself in the rhythm, the beats, the lyrics and the passion. His music has taught me about myself. Whenever I put his CD in or place my ipod on my dock and select one of his albums, it makes me want to close my eyes and become lost in his voice. It makes me want to dance around like a little ballerina; his music sets me free. 

Two younger girls, probably in high school reminded me of us, when we use to watch him and when we were in high school. The two younger girls reminded me of when we went to Good Times Cafe in Hinesburg and watched him perform. It made me smile and happy that we shared those times together. 

He played one of my first, favorite songs of his, 'Hard.' So many moments came to mind. Moments of taking an exam in Life Studies and listening to him on my CD player because iPods had yet to be produced. There I was listening to 'Hard,' investing myself in the lyrics and praying that I would get through that exam and knew that everything was going to work out fine. The moment we made a picture colleague and video taped it to this song, I guess it was our theme song.  Moments of him and I. Moments that he doesn't even know about. This song that I listened to time and time again to help me get through instances that seemed unbearable and situations that seemed never-ending and here I was, tonight, smiling with tears in my eyes happy to be sitting there alone and happy to finally be at this place. 

"Once in my life I knew just what was right around the corner, I knew what was right, until the minute it came crashing down." He sang this song, 'Wild World' and I thought about all the things I thought were right. The moves I was about to make and the way things were going to be, until one day it literally all came crashing down. I thought I would never be able to breathe again, I thought the suffocating feeling would never stop, I thought the waking up to dread would never surpass, I thought each day nothing would get better until time proved me wrong. I wouldn't say I quickly learned or that it instantly came to me, but over the moments time has healed me and continues to heal me. Much like any wound, it takes time for the skin to mend back together and that is what is happening, my skin is mending as life carries on. Sitting in that audience tonight I realized that his shadow was cold, it inhibited my own grass to grow, but without the shadow, flourishing has taken a stand. 

There he was, Gregory Douglass on stage making me, a complete stranger laugh out loud, tear up to the intensity of his voice, smile at the moments where I have taken his music and warm my heart. Thank you for being such an inspiring person and allowing me to listen to your music and have it help me through the days of life. 

I started writing this this morning while he showered and I was lost in an amazing morning:

Wasting away a day often feels unproductive and lazy, yet is often indispensable. Rolling over to see the clock read 10:30 and thinking, 'damn I should get up,' only to roll over again two hours later to read 12:30. Yes a lazy day, but a great sleep. A constant bit of warmth that held me tight under the covers made it seemingly impossible to ever get up. Maybe it was the bed, maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was just the thought of sleeping next to you for as long as possible that made the hours discreetly slip by. 

Feeling you breathe, inconspicuously holding on to you as you are lost in sleep, keeping warm with your own warmth. An innocent adventure, letting go of all inhibitions and just being who we are. Comfortably dancing with each other in the emptiness of your kitchen, comfortably dancing with each other to the silence that fills your apartment. Comfortably in each others arms lost in the rhythm of your heart that beats upon my back.

I thought he robbed me of the things I have been feeling, I thought these feelings drowned with everything else that day, until recently they have taken me back, they have resurfaced and I find myself standing here happy to know it is still possible. I guess being thankful for everything that happens is the way it truly is. I am thankful for everything that has happened. Not just that day or today, but everyday. If things don't work out, I know it will hurt but at least now I have an idea, a vision and more definable hopes and dreams. That's the way it always is though, if something does not work out, it is good to have tried and learned. From each experience we learn and grow.