Heartache vs. Unchosen Abandonment

So here I sit.. at my parents house, catsitting, no one here but Bernard, Ace and I. I sit here, watching probably the saddest movie on TV and I choose to sit here and cry. "P.S. I love you." I don't even know what to say about it.

As I sat and watched, sat and cried, and still continue to watch my heart aches for her. I can not fathom it, I can not fathom the possibility of being so inlove, so intertwined, and so connected with someone that it feels as if your two heart beats are in constant symmetrical rhythm with each other and then instantly poof, gone, taken away like the past second by a brain tumor.

It is heartbreaking to have your heartbroken by a man: a father, a lover, a significant figure, but it is undenibly torturous, deafening, and hurling to have your man taken, to be abandoned not by choice. I do not know this from experience, this torturous, deafening, hurling feeling and I hope to never feel it. But in my own naiveness, is there a line? Is there a difference between the heartbreak and the unchosen abandonment?

Do I even want to know?

To be inlove: To embrace his chest against your back as the warmth of your bodies envelop the comforter. To roll over and kiss his puffy lips from a good nights rest. To jump into his arms. To fight. To make up. To make love. To get lost in his stories in a loud restaurant. To see the world together. To hold hands in an uncomfortable situation. To hold hands. To laugh. To joke. To cry. To sneak unexpected, unallowed glances his way. To whisper into each others ears in the empty house. To believe in each other. To encourage and support each other. To smile. To share. To help. To dance in an empty room, on an empty floor.

This is what I know and this is what I feel. I have had my heartbroken, I have felt suffocated and I have felt abandoned, but without those feelings I could not have felt these. So does it really matter if there is a difference between heartbreak and unchosen abandonment? Is there a difference when love becomes so overpowering, so consuming and so beautiful? Does not lose blend together and blur into the same line?

Approaching Fall

Sitting in the kitchen at the kitchen table, a loaf of zucchini bread to my left, orange juice to the top of the screen and the window blowing cool Fall air upon my face. I walked outside yesterday to run some errands with a client and I could feel Fall. I could feel the holidays (although still far away) approaching, I could feel the warmth of just the thought of them envelop my heart.

Yesterday was a long, but fine day. I worked at the Ice House in the evening and was happy to be a part of a party of 18. I was happy about this before they walked down the stairs and told us that they would need to split the bill 18 ways.... c'mon people... really? Okay okay, it wasn't awful, but 18 different American Express cards is a bit redundant, to say the least.

The two insurance men boldly sitting next to this party of 18, took it upon themselves to pull me aside, throw some witty banter my way and chat it up. Maybe they chose me because I was the only girl working that night... or maybe not, who knows. One was the creator/owner of McAuley, Woods and Associates. They were trying to convince me to become an insurance agent and were discreetly bashing my choice of journalism. Well, it is what it is. I guess I would never be one to understand why people feel they have the right to pass judgment on some one else's life choice, I guess these men disregard this notion or are completely oblivious. Either way, they gave me their cards, tried to figure out if they knew of anyone in journalism in Chicago or London. Nothing came to the surface and honestly nothing probably will. I just found it comical.

And the search for the Passport begins....

Introducing Wise Accomplice and Bashful Burlington Boy

I saw Gregory Douglass today walking up Church Street, my heart fluttered, I silently called out to him as he walked by oblivious. A secret love, a secret devotion, I sit here in Uncommon Grounds happy with my successful day listening to "Ordinary Man."

I had a meeting today with my Wise Accomplice and swam between not having anything to speak of to not knowing how to explain my feelings. I had plenty to speak of, my recent epiphany, my anxious feelings about this move, the dreaded talk, my dreams and my recent accomplishes, but sometimes when I go and sit down I feel resolved, happy to be where I am. I take this time with my Accomplice to realize how great I have been doing. It is often much easier when she points out where I use to be and I realize where I am now and how far I have come. There are always things to work on, with myself, with relationships, with work, with life, but it is often a more positive experience when I can target things on my own and zero in on the reality of them.

I spoke to my Accomplice today about meltdowns... lets face it people, we all have them. I told her that some days it is so easy to just realize and see a situation in it's entirety, but then other days I am blurred by this lens of abandonment, jealousy, sadness or anxiety that I can't see the situation in it's actuality. She then proceeded to ask me if I had ever heard of Wise Mind, the blending of your emotions and reasonability. It's brilliant.

Often we allow our emotions to take over a situation. We take these feelings, such as abandonment, that are created from a small occurrence and allow it to fester, grow and expand, this is the emotional side of our brain taking over. Other days we have the ability to see a situation as it truly is and step away from it with reasonability. The wise mind is blending both of these together, realizing that we may be upset about something but continue to use reasonable consciousness to resolve, grow and move on from it.

It's brilliant and I can totally relate.

So yesterday, according to Hal Higdon, I was scheduled to do my 7 mile run for my training. I ran 7.1 miles last night with Bashful Burlington Boy in 59 minutes and 57 seconds. He told me that I had 20 seconds to make it to the end without going over an hour, so I took my reserved energy and ran full speed. I could feel my whole abdomen in action and my legs were just following behind, I feel extremely proud of myself.

As I am in my 7th week of training, I have continued to learn methods that have really helped me. The first lesson or step was to get new sneakers, an amazing change in my motivation and overall running experience. The second lesson was to shut the little person up that exists in my head. The one that whines when it hurt and moans at the beginning. I have learned to tune her out and focus on the falling of my feet upon the pavement. The third lesson I taught myself: when I am at the bottom of a hill, I recognize that I need to get to the top and will not stop, so I have taught myself to merely but my head down and just go. I have learned to put my arms as straight as possible where they are still supportive to my stride. I have taught myself not to look up unless I can handle what still stands in front of me. It has been tremendously helpful. The fourth lesson I have learned was to run with my hips on flats, it has been aiding in my conservation of energy and tightening my buns. Excellent! The fifth lesson I have learned was to not look at the run as a whole, but to take it section by section, hill by hill and turn by turn. I anticipate certain hills and I forget about the finish line because I know what is going to challenge me and what needs my attention.

So I mentioned my accomplishing day towards the top, I sent out over 7 emails to local newspapers around town. I am determined to get back into my freelance writing. I have heard back from 4, 2 of which asked for writing samples and 2 of which reported that they have nothing currently available. 2 for 2 isn't bad. I feel good about taking the time to send out my resume and cover letter and trying. It's all I can do right now is try.

Bashful Burlington Boy and I went and saw 'Julie and Julia' last night. I loved it, my type of movie, food, journalism, women power AND it was funny. Sometimes I think, 'damn, why couldn't I have thought to do that, what a GREAT idea and look at all the publicity it got and how quickly it jump-started her journalism career,' but I guess we all have our own routes to getting to where we want to be. Bashful boy mentioned blogging about my training, I could start now and I probably will, but when I run the whole marathon I will definitely blog about it. The thing with that is, people do that all the time, I would like it to be original like this movie, completely original, but I often feel like it's difficult to think of things that have not already been thought up. I guess I just need to zero in on my creative side....

MAYBE I'll focus on my quilt making... or maybe I'll keep writing like this.... any suggestions...? Anyone...?

The Perks to Waiting...

So I am a waitress.... this is my income. Why do people come in, spend 99 dollars and walk out the door with only leaving a 100 dollar bill in the book.

I knew it from the moment they walked in and sat in my section. It is a bit sad how jaded and often judgmental I have become, but in the end you can see them coming from a mile away. The 'them' I am referring to is the overly gracious, overly polite, overly happy people that leave you with 100 dollars on a 99 dollar tab. Yes folks, that is right, leaving me with a whopping dollar tip to pay my bills.

Now don't get me wrong, it is not every overly gracious, polite and happy persons that tip badly, that would be generalizing, but they tend to be very obvious to the experienced server.

She called him "papa," they were an extremely young couple, from the looks of it they looked as if they were married just after they graduated high school, I am assuming they have two or three kids at home and were splurging for an anniversary. Whatever it was, they were not splurging in the tipping department.

I have heard several people in my lifetime say that they believe every person should wait tables at some point in their lifetime, it is not an easy job, it is not always fun and in the end every bill you put in that booklet to tip is our soul income. Face it people, minimum wage for a server is less than 4 dollars and 75% of the time our paychecks are void.

So the moral of the story is: Tip your servers 18-20% because it is our income, our money to pay our bills and make it through this challenging, demanding economy.

Thank you.

September 11th 2009

I woke up this morning to the darkness outside the window and to the music coming from the alarm clock. I rolled over wanting to postpone the work day and feel the warmth of his skin a few hours longer, I embraced him as my eyes slowly opened and I felt a sense of gratitude to have him in my life. I got up, put my clothes on and started the pot of coffee.

It's hard to believe that it was 8 years ago. It's hard to believe that 8 years ago my grandma and grandpa were still present in my everyday life. It's crazy how fast time goes by. I feel that I loose a great deal of perspective of time. When I was a kid time stood in my way, all I wanted was Christmas to come faster or vacation to be just one day longer, but now I just can't seem to hold on to an hour. Where does it go?

I'm currently in a coffee shop, I had many ideas and plans for today: to journal, to blog, to go to City Hall, to read, to have a meeting, and here I am blogging, yes, but there just isn't enough time.

I feel stuck right now. I'm trying to plan my next move and am emotionally struggling. Yes, I want to leave here, I want to move on to bigger and better things, but my drive to apply for a job, find another apartment, take the TEFL course and move across the ocean seems so draining. Do I have the time to do it all? Where do I even begin? Do I even want to be teaching English? Is it for me? Should I follow my dream of being a journalist even if nothing is evidently available?

I feel very alone in this process although we are planning to go together. Is this what I really want? Here it is, my doubt, my insecurities point blank on the page in front of me. Is this what I want? Is it as big as I want to go or do I just want to run free with nothing drafting me.... ? Somedays it seems so clear, and other days I am left with so many questions.

Where do I go from here?

Life has changed drastically for everyone over these 8 years since such a significant event took place. Today, September 11th of each year, everyone is a 'New Yorker.'

Remember the fallen and remember the ones that defend our freedom. Remember the ones that had no other choice but to fly, remember the brave souls that took over that one plane and defended themselves, remember everyone that lost someone on that very significant day. It is a part of our history now, it is a part of our vision and it will forever be a part of our memory.

Steps to Justice

Feeling the strain on my inner right foot from my recent training, feeling my body relax deeper into my couch, feeling the earlier hype settle into just another beat.

I had an epiphany today as I stood in her kitchen composing a white cream sauce. This is not what I love, I thought. It is something I do to pay the pills, to acquire money in my bank account and to somehow step a bit closer to my want of helping people. I love working for the people that I do, but in the end I want to be a writer. I want to pay my way through life with my writings. I stood there in front of the stove with this newfound revelation, where I work right now is not where I want to be in 2 years. I want to use these jobs to help pay for my lifestyle and use my free time to dive into my dream of becoming a journalist and somehow helping people.

I still have not quite figured out how to connect the two in a logical manner where I can independently support myself, but I feel at some point in time it will just be there, in front of me waiting for me to grab hold of it.

I've recently been frustrated with my lack of writing and have finally begun to do something about it. I have put together a letter to the Mayor pertaining to my recent and continuing relationship with the Burlington Police:

Hello. My name is Ashley Boyd and I am 23-years-old. I am a resident of Burlington and have been recently faced with many occurrences where I have been left questioning, where is the justice?

In the past 5 months I have had over 3 experiences with the Burlington Police, 2 of which I was a victim of a robbery and 1 of which I was a witness of a car collision. After almost 7 years of no contact with any police in Burlington or any surrounding town, my vision and overall outlook on the police force has been completely changed.

In these past 5 months I have filed an automobile robbery in which I spoke to an officer of the Burlington Police Department, after receiving a suspicious call from a man that left me unsettled and uncomfortable to walk around the block I called back the officer but never heard from him again.

I was then a victim of another robbery, this one occurring in my boyfriends home. From the downstairs apartment laptops, ipods, cameras and money were stolen. They thieves walked through our entryway and out our front door. The Burlington Police took the air conditioner to find fingerprints, nothing has happened or been replaced, to my knowledge this has been considered just another robbery and has been filed.

On Labor Day my 4 friends were victims of a T-bone car collision. It took the Burlington Police over 30 minutes to come to the scene of the collision and as they approached they did not have their sirens or lights on.

These instances leave me wondering where are the priorities of the Burlington Police Department?

They patrol a city with almost 40,000 citizens but do they have enough officers to help maintain the safety of the citizens and find the criminals leaving the citizens unsettled? How do they maintain justice if they continue to merely file these robberies and not chase after the people with the lute of the victim? How do they maintain justice and safety when they arrive at a car collision with no alarms or sirens to show urgency? Was this T-bone car collision consisting of 4 adults and 1 child not an emergency that called for urgency?

I am writing to you in hopes to find some direction in where to take these issues. How can I make a change? How can I not feel pushed aside for the “bigger issues?”

I am asking as a citizen of Burlington for help from you, a person just like me wanting to make a difference.

Thank you for your time

I'm not sure what will happen with this or if I will even receive a response. I do know that this is a start.

It's time to start, or continue where I left off. I need to pick my writing back up, blow off the dust and keep it up. It's the only thing I can still really see myself doing. Sometimes I find myself listening to all of these people tell me about their success and I just think, 'wow, how motivated they are.' I am motivated but sometimes I am overwhelmed with this great feeling of indifference. I do not want to feel that way. I do not want to be a person that just walks through life settling with whatever job they may have that can pay the bills. Yes, it is great to have stepping stones and something to always fall back upon, because lets face it, it is not easy to find a job right now, but sometimes I wonder if I did not work both of these jobs would I be more determined to focus on my writing? Yes. So then why don't I take some time off, I silently ask myself, well because it comes down to money.

I like my lifestyle, I like my luxuries and in the roots of my soul I feel like I could do it all. Baby steps... baby steps into a professional journalism job...

Life is going well. I will be going to a Kings of Leon concert next week and taking a little vacation with Barton, which I am psyched about. Training is getting a bit grueling but nothing that I want to stop. I was sick last week and couldn't run for 3 days, I felt awful about it. Barton's dad once told me that he was addicted to running... I fear that I have acquired this same obsession. (Hey it could be worse.) I've been following Hal Higdon's guide for training and am feeling pretty great about it.

I feel that running a marathon is not such a farfetched goal anymore, at one point I thought it was absolutely ludicrous. It is rewarding to set goals and watch yourself get closer and closer to accomplishing them. Although I went to college and graduated with a degree and although I have accomplished things in my life, it was not until after I graduated that I really started recognizing goals that I wanted to accomplish and actually started watching myself struggle and succeed through them.

I still have yet to figure out what made me so oblivious to my own accomplishments throughout the years, but seize the moment, what better time than now?

So as I lay here in my own solitude after a long day of work, writing letters in hope to find justice, doing some cross-training, visiting with my parents, finishing yet another leisure read, I contemplate writing my own book, helping people across the world, finding justice in my own town and spending yet another night curled up next to him.

All my desires and aspirations float through my mind leaving me excited and serene.

Goodnight.