Thank you God

It’s happening, just as the wind blows the lone leaf that sits at the foot of the open door. Time is moving, the family arrives and although it’s a sad time I feel happiness. Is she happy that it is time? Is she happy that she will soon be reunited with the love of her life? Is she looking forward to reuniting? Am I wrong to be skeptical of them ever really meeting again? Is that my lack of belief in God and religion? 

She says she has accepted it because she has felt like she lost her 4 years ago when she lost her love. Do I not feel that because over these past 4 years I feel that it has been a chance for her and I to solidify our relationship? To become not just grandmother and granddaughter, but friends. I secretly lean on her and her strength as she does the same. I went to her when I needed support. I sat next to her not speaking about the things that hurt but using her words and stories to strengthen my own will and soul, for these reasons she was and is my rock. 

Feeling selfish for the thoughts I have but needing so much. Within the past week so much has happened, so much has changed and so much is still to come. We won't know any answers until tomorrow. This week has consisted of me in pure denial, but it has also powered me to become stronger and to face reality. It's funny how it all happens at once. What's the saying, 'when it rains, it pours.' 

I find it interesting how although we are all born to die, when death has finally approached us and sits only a few weeks or months from our door it is devastating. For something we are born to do and for something we know our entire lives, I would think that it wouldn't be so shocking. 

It's so easy to push people away and I often do when things get serious. I guess it's just the way I work, it's my mechanism to avoiding the issue and making it disappear when it stands in front of me blinding my way. All I can say is thank you God for blessing us with the time and opportunity to keep our promise and gamble in Vegas together. And thank you God for giving me the chance to become so close to her. All I ask is that she passes with as little pain as possible. 

Even when I think these things or I write them out in front of me, I feel as if it's too soon. I feel optimistic and hopeful that something is going to change. Something will happen and miraculously her life will be prolonged and she will again make the coleslaw and pumpkin pie for many more Thanksgiving gatherings to come.

Optimism or denial.... either way I'll find out tomorrow. 

Denial

I woke up this morning between the secret walls of your room.

I was confronted with the words of 'you have a call, it's a family emergency.' 

Immediately my thoughts were, 'no that's not possible, that sort of thing has never happened.'

I was quickly slapped in the face when all the people that breezed through my mind abruptly stopped at my grandma and the struggles she has had recently. 

I stood at the desk, holding the phone to my ear listening to the other end saying to stay strong. Exposed to the outside and the unfamiliar people, tears immediately came to my eyes and my voice became shaky and unstable. The tomato resurfaced, choked me up and made it unbearable to speak. 

I have spent the day in the hospital laughing, crying, admiring the hot doctor and conducting an interview for my next story. A day filled with so much pushing and pulling. 

She laid in the bed all day as we sat by her side. It was heartbreaking to see someone so frail and that I love so much lay helplessly in her own tears begging to go home. In and out of conversation, random thoughts that went through her mind were expressed through her requests. 'Don't throw anything away,' she said. 'Well, why would we throw anything away?' 'Because it's a mess.' she answered as she turned her head and looked at me. 'We won't throw anything away,' I promised as she looks at me with the most trusting eyes that I have ever seen. She smiled at me solidifying the fact that she trusted what I said. It killed me. It immediately brought tears to my eyes and my head down to shield her from my sadness.  

The bruises all over her arms, legs, feet and hips showed my oblivious family just the pain and struggles she has been going through on her own the past few weeks. Has she been keeping this from us to postpone the possibility of someone helping her? Is she so stubborn that the mere thought of going into assistant living or having a nurse would make her keep these secrets, these pains and these injuries from her own family? Scary, sad, numb.

I got back from my short shift after being at the hospital for the day and walked into the room of red eyes, exhaustion, two doctors and my grandma, the center of it all, frail as splinter but still just as beautiful. They found a mass on her lower right lung and a mass in her brain. Melissa took me outside the room to catch me up to speed, as if anyone or anything were about to change. I stood there waiting for something to happen, for it to absorb within me, but it's as if I heard it and it just pinged back to her. 

As I sit here and type it's too surreal, too soon, too new, too impossible. It's not really happening, it just isn't. 

Express Your Love

Here I am... sitting on my couch...'Will and Grace' on the TV in the distance, a blue moon on the table and the computer on my lap. Wearing an extremely comfortable and comforting sweat shirt and shorts that just barely cover enough. Feeling good from the few drinks I had at work and even better with the one that sits in front of me. 

Feeling satisfied with the amount of work that has taken over my week and hours through the days and even better about the things and moments that lie ahead. 

I have recently returned from my week vacation on the west coast. An overall relaxing and wonderful trip with my mom and cousins. Explored the Grand Canyon and went to the floor of it in a helicopter, strolled up the Colorado river in a pontoon boat, walked the strip in Vegas where I stayed for the week, went on a few amusements rides 1400 ft in the air, went to some shows and had amazing food. A good, much needed, freeing week. 

Now back into the grind of life and loving it. I started my new job this week and am happy to meet new people and to continue saving money for the cruise I plan to go on in January. There's always that bit of anxiousness and hesitation when I start a new job, but for some odd reason I just don't seem to have this here. It's as if I don't really care, but at the same time I do. I know I have it under my belt and will rock it, maybe I'm just confident in my skills and whether I can keep this job or not really doesn't matter to me. It's not a bad feeling, this lack of anxiousness or hesitation, it's actually sort of freeing. 

So this cruise I'm contemplating going on before my European adventures in February, I'm pretty sure is going to happen, but I will not confidently know until next weekend. I want to, it just comes down to financial budgeting. But hey if you can hack it, then just get it done.

My grandma again had a possible 'mini-stroke'  this week. All the more reason to cherish every moment with the ones that may soon slip from our lives. To hug, to hold, to kiss, to say 'I love you' to, so please take the time today to call someone that you love and to tell them that you love them. It will mean so much to them and just reiterate the passion, place and love you hold for them in your heart. 

So here I am stuck, or not necessarily stuck but in this place of limbo of letting go and then embracing something new. Here I am letting go of a past I know, to embrace something possibly so much better. The rock I stand on once told me that the most exciting part is that what is still to come will be so much better and feel so much better. That what is still to come will hold all the things I know I want and will not be all the things I know I do not want. The rock I stand on once told me that I have choices and I can pick and choose based upon what I already know I like and want and what I do not like, nor do not want. It's rather exciting. 

"She'll be okay, she just has to feel it," a quote from one of my favorite TV shows. Isn't that the truth though. The best remedy to getting over something, to dealing with some pain is to feel it. To feel it's entirety and embrace the pain with everything you've got. Whether it be in one big shot or a million different moments, just feel it. I haven't gone back because in the end what happened, was right. It was never meant to be and we were just fooling ourselves with the comfort of each other to believe that it was. That feeling of course comes and goes, but in the end it will stick.

About to fall asleep as 1 AM rolls around on the digital clock on my computer screen. Mindlessly zoning into the movie that is on the TV screen, yet telling myself to keep writing. On my last page of my journal that I've had for four years. It feels so good to have had it for four years and so awesome to be able to look back and read entries that I had written four years ago. I think I have finally found another journal that I want to write in for the next four years and plan on purchasing it shortly. 

My mom just came into my living room to inform me about the amazing view that sits in the sky. The stars that I hardly ever get a chance to look at are in rare form and look absolutely beautiful. It's nights like these that I wish the hot tub was running and I could just go sit out in the boiling water and zone out to the life above me oblivious to it's life below, maybe next weekend. 

So I went to Body Art this week to have my nose ring literally ripped out of my nose in order to replace it with a retainer. I started talking as the lady ripped it out and it hardly hurt, yes it sounds gruesome, but it was a million times easier then inflicting pain upon myself. The few times that I had tried to change my nose ring in the past I thought I was going to faint. I immediately became light-headed and started seeing spots. Inflicting pain upon oneself is not easy unless the pain is desired, in my case, of course it was not. I recommend to anyone that has a nose ring, or any type of piercing besides the ears, if you have trouble changing it and it hurts to change it, go to the place you got it pierced and have someone do it for you for free, it's extremely better and hardly hurts. My nice little hint of advice for the night.

OKAY it's time to go sit outside on the porch and check out the stars for a while. Goodnight. 

Take A Look

So I was driving home from work tonight, once again singing quite loudly to the steering wheel and the vast of darkness before me and was completely taken back by the sight of the moon. 

Lying on it's side, almost a complete half moon with a hint of orange. It was beautiful sitting in the dark sky surrounded by the millions of stars. One of my favorite times of year, driving through the falling leaves and in awe of the beauty nature can become. I stepped out of my car and inhaled the smell of a fireplace and the hint of winter. It was freeing. It was comforting. I can not wait to soon see those falling leaves I currently drive through turn to falling pieces of snow that just can not seem to hold onto the tree branch any longer. I love this time of year, it is so warming.

If I could take a picture of it I would have, but it would not capture the same feeling it created.

We had a fire in our fireplace the other night, our first one of the fall and it was great. Cliche yes, but it was so nice to have my mom, dad, sister and I all together. One big happy family, yes of course we have our days, fights and aggravations but in the end, we all love each other. I can not wait to spend more cold fall and winter days with them this season.

I came down with some gruesome bug this past weekend. I was summoned to my bed and couch all day Saturday, a great way to catch up on sleep, if you like being ill. I feel much better, still a little weak but definitely coming out of it. Why is it when we are ill, all we want is to be taken care of, babied and constantly checked up on? Well, that is at least how I felt. I called my mom Saturday at some point during the day when I was awake inquiring when she would be home to take care of me. It is so tedious to have to continue getting up and refilling your own water and juice glass when you yourself are sick. Okay, okay, maybe a little selfish and childish, but I'm pretty sure we all happen to acquire these selfish, childish traits when we are sick. Needless to say, she soon came home and nicely continued to fill up my juice glass.

A busy week ahead full of doubles, getting my hair done, (which isn't so bad) trips to the gym, researching another story, sending out my resume and cover letter and of course taking time to read and write. Life isn't so bad and I guess it would be boring if it was a constant breeze. 

I guess life's way of keeping us on our toes is to ping objects, obstacles and new turns at us that we must dodge and adapt to. Bring it! 

Missing the moments...

Done with my two hour shift for the day and now sitting, replenishing my energy at a busy coffee shop on Church Street. Updating software on my computer, which always tends to slow things down just a bit. Waiting on an important email as I watch the rain fall from the sky and the pedestrians huddle under their tiny, $10 umbrellas for shelter. Chad Perrone sings to me and I allow his voice to drown out the cappuccino machine and wet, squishy shoes that walk across the tiled floor. 

Currently uninspired and feeling much like the sky looks. I guess I would feel the same way if I received a call like that, I guess I would push everyone away and I guess I would not want to talk to anyone. Or would I? I think about you. How can something so definite and prominent come to an instant, crashing end? It is easy to keep going and to deal with it through daily tasks, but it is hard when she makes me revisit it as she goes through it herself. I guess it is good for the both of us, I guess it is great that we both have each other, but at the end of every day as we attempt to tackle sleep and wrestle with the conflicting and inspirational events of the day, we embark upon that journey alone, with or without someone lying by our side. 

I often feel I waste time wondering and trying to answer my endless questions. I throw away so much time upon questions that do not have an effect upon me with or without their answers. I still can't surpass those few moments and I still find myself so caught up in them. Let it be what it was. 

Every day I live the same story, I guess I could carry on like I am indifferent to what happened and just swallow it, or I could skin my knees on the cement and just allow it to hurt and hit me as it should have. Do I always do this? Take the pain for a few minutes, hours or days and then swallow it because letting something effect me for that long is viewed as weak in my eyes? Am I weak? To let something so small, so microscopic arouse so many questions and distracting thoughts and for this long? Shouldn't I have let it go the day it happened? Should I have left it right were it started? Once again contradicting, endless questions.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine." Ralph Waldo Emerson. I was googling inspirational quotes and came upon this quote of life. I like it. I am not sure as to why, it is true though. The shadows that lay on the pavement were created by us, by our stance, by the construction of the buildings, by our own movement. Our thoughts, our dreams, our wishes, our days, our journeys, our tasks are all created by us. We can either stand in our own way of achieving greatness or we can step aside and clear the path to accomplishing everything we ever wanted. 

And he is right, the great man of wisdom and rock that helps me stand, "you just miss the moments." Thank you my wise friend. 

Time to step out into the rain without a rain coat and umbrella and carry on to where my feet lead me. 

EmBrAcE iT

In attempts to relax from a long day at work and then the gym, I found myself absolutely mesmerized by the pictures that continued to pop up on my screen saver. Stuck in a trance of reliving every experience, moment and memory that the pictures revisited. Don't really know what more to say about it.

 I miss my girls but know they are out there and we carry each other in our hearts. 

I will be going back in February, but it just will not be the same without them. So many moments that slip through my mind or may be forgotten, but after seeing a photo the warmth quickly fills my heart. 

We were free. Although our families and friends back home were missed, we were free from any and everything. Problems, love and happiness back home were indifferent to us. We had each other and our new freedom. We had the world in our grasp and held it close and tight. We became explorers in our own adventures and hugged every moment with as much intensity as possible to never forget the feeling of being free. 

Fear did not exist. Fear of the unknown was another great adventure to explore the next bend. Not only did we find new friends and places, we found ourselves.  

We found new angles, dreams and discoveries we may have just passed by in comforting surroundings. 

Looking through these pictures, I was there once again. I was sitting on top of that mountain in Switzerland, breathless by the climb and the view. I was insanely content and free from any careless problem again. I could feel the support of Lindsay and the chill on my cheeks once again.

I was sitting on that stone hedge with Megan at the Island of Capri eating that sticky orange and making funny faces at Whitney as she photographed the moment. 

When we take photos who are we smiling at? Who are we blowing a kiss to? Who are we laughing at? Will we remember the joke when we revisit the picture in the future? Our future selves. We smile, blow a kiss, or laugh with our future selves to help us remember that time. Every photo taken for our future self and future onlooker.

It is easy to let time slip by and to just watch the hand on a clock make it's rotation, but it is even easier to hug every moment, to make every second worth it. To walk, to breathe, to look with passion. Whether it be hatred, love, happiness, whatever, it is so easy to be passionate and to embrace every step, breath, look and instant. 

Embrace it, let time run it's course and hug it with every bit of energy you carry with you.   

A Monday night. Wanting my ritual of writing every Monday to continue, I sit on my couch slightly distracted by the TV and internet, but begin to unravel my weave of thoughts.

I sit here and wonder how another fall has already crept upon us. It’s that in-between time where keeping the windows open at night means freezing when you crawl out of bed in the morning; winter seems to be looming in the air. How did this year, these months, and these days all go by so quickly? I’m sure that is everyone’s question when they look back upon the summer months or the first few weeks of the year, but it all just seems to go by so fast. It all seems to change so quickly.

Wishing you could go back to another moment on the lake, another instant in the snow, another minute of sleep is useless, a waste of a moment you can grasp.

Battler: a person who refuses to admit to defeat in the face of difficulty. The title of Gregory Douglass’ new CD, soon to be released in 2009. An amazing artist, one of the few that can sing and touch my soul. His words, his voice, his passion has a way of seeping through my skin and reaching the depths of my soul that just make me want to fall to my knees.

I was just on his myspace website (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=14107193)

And saw the title of his new CD and had to find the true definition of the word. I don’t know what it is about his music, but it has the ability to bring out any and every emotion of me. A person I once knew told me I had the ability to do that to him, how is this possible? How is it possible that a person I do not even know has this amazing ability without even knowing? Do we all hold these abilities without any knowledge? Is it possible that at some point in our lives we have this potential to draw every emotion from a person to their surface?

Have you ever had anyone like this in your life, or a person not even remotely in your life allow feelings you never knew existed become present and instantly prominent?

So a change of thought now that I’m done looking through the ‘word of the day’ on dictionary.com. I work with this person who is so contradicting. I feel this person gives situations the upper hand in their life and lets these things, instances or conflicts take over their mood, day and often week. I feel like this person allows things to effect them more than needed. However, in a contradicting view, I’ve also seen them not give a shit. As if whatever they were doing was nothing, meant nothing and it just dissolved and they are indifferent to the outcome. How can a person be so contradicting? Is it the difference between caring for something and not having any emotional ties to the other? 

Not sure, just thoughts.

I recently wrote a story for the Charlotte News, a story on Kelly Brush, creator of the Kelly Brush Foundation (http://www.kellybrushfoundation.org/ ) She became paralyzed a few years ago in a skiing accident, although recently paralyzed her dreams for life have only grown. A true inspiration and devoted woman.

My story was published on Tuesday and is on their website, (http://www.thecharlottenews.org/pages/kellybrushridesonsupportsothers.html)

It’s nice to see my name up there. J