I Fall 2 Become Stronger

There I stood, here I stand with the inability to hold on to something concrete. Situations, objects, feelings attack my stance allowing my stability to become unstable. 

From the first mention of it, from the first mention that it was going to occur the next day, a sheet of concrete fell in front of me. I began to push, I began to hide my tears in your chest, I began to swallow my feelings and be everything but what I was feeling; an emotionless wall that began to fall apart bit by bit in my heart.

I walked into the house with family but entered a whirlwind alone. The moments, the chats, the laughs, the sandwiches cut into quarters, the dust-buster,

the crayons, the barbies, the hiding behind the nook of the couch, the sleep overs, the days I saw you at your weakest, the days I watched him through the window 

on the back porch, the many birthdays, the ice cream cakes, the love, the cookies, the gum, it all quickly spun around me and made the wall

thicker. Here I was at a house I have known my whole life as yours, and here we were about to go through it all and pick what we wanted to carry with us through

the rest of our lives. Materialistic things that we wanted to keep that had sentimental value to us and we could cherish the rest of life. I picked and poked through

things but didn't truly find anything that had much sentimental value. Is it my stubbornness to let go? I don't want some object or piece of furniture that was yours,

I want you and him to still occupy this house, I want you and him to still occupy our lives. I can keep these objects and always know that they were yours, but in

the end, my memories are my most sentimental values.

I kept one of his shirts because he always wore it, I distinctly remember seeing him in it when I close my eyes and envision him, that's the shirt I see him wearing

and I'm making many quilts out of your clothes for me and the rest of the kids. You and I both know anything I take will never mean anything of what I am looking for, because what I am looking for is you. It was not easy

nor will it ever be. I had not been there since we dropped you off after our Vegas adventure, the house was dead. It was merely a building. You made it alive,

you made it warm, you made it the place I loved. Walking in to the empty, dark, cool house made it more apparent that it is no longer a home, but merely a place

that houses your belongings and sentimental things you carried with you throughout your life. The storm did not seize to stop when I walked out, it only intensified

my despair and sadness for the harsh truth that lays in the living room.

I pushed them away, I became the quite, reserved person and I secretly fell apart inside. I cleaned my room, found my fish to be eaten by the fierce cat and fell

the wooden floor. I tried to hide my quivering voice as I told her about the cat eating Fin, but I couldn't anymore. The wall dispersed, my head and shoulders shook

with the pain that fell through my eyes. Helpless, I sat on the floor with my head supported by her shoulder, angry at myself for breaking down but happy that

it had begun. 

I guess if we never break down, we can never become stronger.

I was lying in bed last night contemplating the thought of, can we make love, if we are not in love? I guess love has been a reoccurring theme recently, well I

guess love is always a reoccurring theme. She's been informing me of the confusion that has encircled this phrase, maybe confusion is a bad word for it, but the

uncertainty of whether or not he has said it or if she feels it. She defined her uncertainty with often feeling an immense amount of emotion for him, overwhelming

often enough, but then other moments where she is questioning whether it is love or not. Is it too soon?, she questions. Why is love associated with time? Why is

it that when we feel this overwhelming emotion and depth for a person we instantly associate the length of time we have known or been with this person?

Is love determined by how many days we've been sleeping with a person? Shouldn't it be based upon our feelings, our moments, our laughs, our happiness?

Love should not be determined by the days, love should not be questioned because the amount of time you've been with someone does not seem adequate

enough time to love a person, it should be based upon the depth of our feelings.

Although my question was about making love and being in love, I never really got around to answering it. It became a thought by what he had said. It became

a question by what he said, an inspiring person that makes me want to better myself for the sake of me.

Shop Less, Spend More

Over a month since I have blogged, yes I guess it is time I revisit this site and try to stick to consistency. 

A night off of work and I find myself lying in the living room amongst the Christmas tree, the warming fire in the fireplace, the candles on top of the mantle and the television. I guess I haven't written in almost a month because I don't really care to reflect upon the things that are happening.  

Well last night and into today about 5 inches of snow fell from the sky leaving an ample amount to go sledding late night tonight! Christmas is less than 9 days away and my shopping just began. The mall was surprisingly easy to get through, but finding 'the perfect gift' was a bit more difficult. I'm sure the pressure of 'the perfect gift' sits upon everyone around this time of year, but in the end is it really about the gift? Is it really about the materialistic things that we give our loved ones, or is it about the time we spend and the moments we share? 

We could waste our entire holiday season pa-rousing the stores and catching the sales, but are you taking time away from being with your family? Just think, as you stand in line in between many other shoppers, holding your basket of gifts and mentally going through your checklist, could you be at home helping your family or visiting with a grandparent? I thought about this as I stood in line at Kohls. As I jumped from store to store looking for things and picking up a little treat for a special someone, I thought how those 2 hours of shopping and inevitably searching, but not succeeding could have been spent side by side, sitting down visiting and learning about someone I greatly love. 

I know it may sound corny or cliche, but aren't the holidays about friends and family? How are they about friends and family as we cruise the mall, get frustrated and buy something that we inevitably feel just isn't enough? 

As always, thoughts that just breeze through my mind and I find landing on a page. A whole day off tomorrow, it could be spent up at the mountain or in a quaint coffee shop fulfilling my deadline for the Champlain Business Journal, I guess we'll see.

Searching and Finding Tranquility

I have just got back from attending a Gregory Douglass concert at Higher Ground, it was anything but 'murky.' An extremely comfortable setting with a voice beautiful enough to fill a room a million times the size of the one I sat in. I have not seen Gregory perform live in over two years, but much like any other time I have seen him perform live, his voice and lyrics reach a depth of my soul that I never knew existed. He has heightened my passion for music and it is his own songs that have taught me how to loose myself in the rhythm, the beats, the lyrics and the passion. His music has taught me about myself. Whenever I put his CD in or place my ipod on my dock and select one of his albums, it makes me want to close my eyes and become lost in his voice. It makes me want to dance around like a little ballerina; his music sets me free. 

Two younger girls, probably in high school reminded me of us, when we use to watch him and when we were in high school. The two younger girls reminded me of when we went to Good Times Cafe in Hinesburg and watched him perform. It made me smile and happy that we shared those times together. 

He played one of my first, favorite songs of his, 'Hard.' So many moments came to mind. Moments of taking an exam in Life Studies and listening to him on my CD player because iPods had yet to be produced. There I was listening to 'Hard,' investing myself in the lyrics and praying that I would get through that exam and knew that everything was going to work out fine. The moment we made a picture colleague and video taped it to this song, I guess it was our theme song.  Moments of him and I. Moments that he doesn't even know about. This song that I listened to time and time again to help me get through instances that seemed unbearable and situations that seemed never-ending and here I was, tonight, smiling with tears in my eyes happy to be sitting there alone and happy to finally be at this place. 

"Once in my life I knew just what was right around the corner, I knew what was right, until the minute it came crashing down." He sang this song, 'Wild World' and I thought about all the things I thought were right. The moves I was about to make and the way things were going to be, until one day it literally all came crashing down. I thought I would never be able to breathe again, I thought the suffocating feeling would never stop, I thought the waking up to dread would never surpass, I thought each day nothing would get better until time proved me wrong. I wouldn't say I quickly learned or that it instantly came to me, but over the moments time has healed me and continues to heal me. Much like any wound, it takes time for the skin to mend back together and that is what is happening, my skin is mending as life carries on. Sitting in that audience tonight I realized that his shadow was cold, it inhibited my own grass to grow, but without the shadow, flourishing has taken a stand. 

There he was, Gregory Douglass on stage making me, a complete stranger laugh out loud, tear up to the intensity of his voice, smile at the moments where I have taken his music and warm my heart. Thank you for being such an inspiring person and allowing me to listen to your music and have it help me through the days of life. 

I started writing this this morning while he showered and I was lost in an amazing morning:

Wasting away a day often feels unproductive and lazy, yet is often indispensable. Rolling over to see the clock read 10:30 and thinking, 'damn I should get up,' only to roll over again two hours later to read 12:30. Yes a lazy day, but a great sleep. A constant bit of warmth that held me tight under the covers made it seemingly impossible to ever get up. Maybe it was the bed, maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was just the thought of sleeping next to you for as long as possible that made the hours discreetly slip by. 

Feeling you breathe, inconspicuously holding on to you as you are lost in sleep, keeping warm with your own warmth. An innocent adventure, letting go of all inhibitions and just being who we are. Comfortably dancing with each other in the emptiness of your kitchen, comfortably dancing with each other to the silence that fills your apartment. Comfortably in each others arms lost in the rhythm of your heart that beats upon my back.

I thought he robbed me of the things I have been feeling, I thought these feelings drowned with everything else that day, until recently they have taken me back, they have resurfaced and I find myself standing here happy to know it is still possible. I guess being thankful for everything that happens is the way it truly is. I am thankful for everything that has happened. Not just that day or today, but everyday. If things don't work out, I know it will hurt but at least now I have an idea, a vision and more definable hopes and dreams. That's the way it always is though, if something does not work out, it is good to have tried and learned. From each experience we learn and grow.  

Discreetly Dance With Me

I can't seem to put down what I was thinking earlier without making it sound like I want to run away. 

I was sitting at my kitchen table in debates with myself about going out again tonight and thought how effortlessly you can get up and walk away from a situation that just seems unreal. I thought how getting lost in the comfort is a measurement of simplicity. I thought about how easy it is to let go when the vibration of someone's voice sits upon your back. 

A simple request of 'please talk to me' allows my own thoughts to escape my mind and me to sink into the depth of their stories. A simple request that puts me at ease and makes things uncomplicated. 

A shallow whisper traced over my ear as sleep was on the brink, was it meant to be heard? 

I laughed out loud at the sight that walked by. Typical I thought, hypocritical. It was just funny to see the results, even after all the things he had said to me, even after all the things he had said to her, where did the love go? Yes, a question I have asked many times for many different circumstances, but really, that is what it comes down to. Was it ever really there if things can so quickly change without even a second look?

 It's funny that I often think I'm invincible. Does anyone else ever feel like this, or am I the sole rider? I don't know where this feeling ever came from or why I think that nothing can get to me, hurt me, or wound me, but I think the first time someone ever pointed it out to me was when I was in high school. I remember talking to my mom about something and I think the way I presented what I was speaking to her about made her question me and my idea of security. I don't know I just remember telling her that I felt like nothing could hurt me and I felt on top of the world. Yes, an amazing feeling to have, and don't get me wrong it is even to this day, but sometimes I feel that I take it to another level and feel that nothing will ever get me down or hurt me, inevitably I believe that I am invincible. 

It's crazy when suddenly something is said or you merely snap back to reality and notice that you are not invincible and things could get to you. I had this recognition the other night and then shortly after was hurt.  I don't know, I just find it funny that I often feel that way and do not realize the repetition and take it into account. 

A blog of random thoughts and discreetly touching upon little things that have occurred the past few days. Time to shower... and yes time to face a risk. 

The American Dream

Comfortably sitting in my living room on my couch listening to Ben Folds. 

Happy Veterans Day to all those veterans and soldiers in the world. I was watching the news tonight and there was a story about Veterans Day. The news team interviewed a veteran whom expressed his concerns and disappointment with the lack of people that came out to show their appreciation for the individuals who fight for our country. He stated there were more people in the parade than people watching and supporting. A sad realization, but more often than not the truth. When was the last time you took a moment to appreciate a soldier or thank them for the work and fight they have battled to keep our country safe? Please read this story (http://www.wptz.com/news/17958734/detail.html) and if you haven't already, please begin to realize that not only are we and will we always be the United States of America, but it is our soldiers who help keep our country safe, help maintain our freedom and help us reach the American Dream.  

I was outside tonight dancing around the yard in hopes to warm myself up while Barney, my grandmother's dog did his business. I stood there holding onto the leash in one hand while the other was shoved into the pocket of the fleece coat. I watched my grandma through the window as she sat in her own solitude and smoked her cigarette. She looked adorable in her pink fleece night gown, yet shrinking in her black wheelchair. I finally had a moment to sit down with her and catch up, spend time with and revisit moments in her life. She told me stories of marching bands that covered an entire football field. She described their uniforms of blue, white and gold; the look in her eyes was as if she was still sitting in that stand, amazed with the colors of the uniforms that were heightened by the stadium lights. It was as if she was still sitting in that stand next to her husband, my grandpa telling him to stop shouting at a certain player. As if she was still sitting in that stand chilled by the cool air. Her eyes, her expression, her details only helped build and paint the picture in my mind that she was envisioning before her.  An overall great dinner with my grandma. 

I met up with the photographer today that did the shoot for Steezteez. We went over the rest of the photos and I picked out the ones I liked. He showed me some videos he has been working on and many photos that he has taken. It re-opened my love for video production, broadcast journalism and photojournalism. Hopefully sometime in the future I can create my own dark room and purchase Final Cut so I can work on this video that I was working on over the summer. 

Many dreams, many visions, many goals to be reached, but without these we would be mindlessly walking through life. 

A quick note...

Yo check it out... did a photo shoot for Steezteez this summer.... shweeettt! http://www.steezteez.com/ Still waiting on the other photos.... but I'll have them up at some point. Keep reading!

Promise the Moment

Finally plopped into my comfortable bed, with my computer on my lap and a very old CD playing on my ipod dock. A long day consisting of a double, a short break in between to switch cars and spend some time with my grandma and then quickly back to work ending with a great workout at the gym. 

My mattress begins to envelop my body and my eyes suddenly feel 10 times heavier then 2 seconds previous. It was denial. My last entry, yesterday and still this moment. I know what's going to happen to her but I can't help but continuously question how it happened so fast and how alive she still seems. Yes, I'm sure much like the fact that she has cancer quickly hit us last week, so will the bad days and moments. I guess right now I can be thankful that she is still so alive and so present and so talkative and still expresses her love for everyone. All I can ask for are many more moments and days like these. Take the time to tell everyone in your life that you love them, and take the time today to help out a stranger, the world can be a warmer place if we all try a little harder.

I'm very happy that this week has gone by. Yes I know I always pry on living every moment to it's fullest, but this week has been grueling. I wouldn't take any late night, any hard work day, any tear, any laugh, any joke, any break down, any ice cream, any kiss, any question, any smile, any breath back, I'm just happy that I'm still standing. 

So I got this email today from an acquaintance and at the end of the email it said 'we'll meet up next week, I promise.' I was taken back by this promise from this mere acquaintance of mine, a person I hardly know making a promise to me. I looked at the word 'promise' a few times and then closed the email. For some reason this word has stuck with me throughout the day and I can't quite figure out why. 

I once blogged about this question of 'what can a promise endure.' I wrote about this last year when I was in Europe and began contemplating things that I had gone through and promises that had been made. It's a good question. I honestly feel like promises are open-ended and hold too much responsibility. I believe, under no circumstance, should anyone promise someone something. Shit happens and if that promise can not be fulfilled there leads to this lame disappointment that never needed to be there in the first place. For example, when two people get married, they promise each other to love and to cherish and to bla bla bla but really how can two people promise each other that their lives will always coexist? The only thing we can promise ourselves and others is the current moment. We can not make promises for the future, or for something better, because in the end we have no control over what happens and to make a promise may just lead to disappointment. 

The only promise we can make to ourselves and to others is the current moment, the current click to the clock and the current air we breathe. 

Oh I was published again for the Charlotte News! Check out my story! http://www.thecharlottenews.org/pages/velcoputsfinishingtouchesonferryroadportionofproject.html

Thank you God

It’s happening, just as the wind blows the lone leaf that sits at the foot of the open door. Time is moving, the family arrives and although it’s a sad time I feel happiness. Is she happy that it is time? Is she happy that she will soon be reunited with the love of her life? Is she looking forward to reuniting? Am I wrong to be skeptical of them ever really meeting again? Is that my lack of belief in God and religion? 

She says she has accepted it because she has felt like she lost her 4 years ago when she lost her love. Do I not feel that because over these past 4 years I feel that it has been a chance for her and I to solidify our relationship? To become not just grandmother and granddaughter, but friends. I secretly lean on her and her strength as she does the same. I went to her when I needed support. I sat next to her not speaking about the things that hurt but using her words and stories to strengthen my own will and soul, for these reasons she was and is my rock. 

Feeling selfish for the thoughts I have but needing so much. Within the past week so much has happened, so much has changed and so much is still to come. We won't know any answers until tomorrow. This week has consisted of me in pure denial, but it has also powered me to become stronger and to face reality. It's funny how it all happens at once. What's the saying, 'when it rains, it pours.' 

I find it interesting how although we are all born to die, when death has finally approached us and sits only a few weeks or months from our door it is devastating. For something we are born to do and for something we know our entire lives, I would think that it wouldn't be so shocking. 

It's so easy to push people away and I often do when things get serious. I guess it's just the way I work, it's my mechanism to avoiding the issue and making it disappear when it stands in front of me blinding my way. All I can say is thank you God for blessing us with the time and opportunity to keep our promise and gamble in Vegas together. And thank you God for giving me the chance to become so close to her. All I ask is that she passes with as little pain as possible. 

Even when I think these things or I write them out in front of me, I feel as if it's too soon. I feel optimistic and hopeful that something is going to change. Something will happen and miraculously her life will be prolonged and she will again make the coleslaw and pumpkin pie for many more Thanksgiving gatherings to come.

Optimism or denial.... either way I'll find out tomorrow. 

Denial

I woke up this morning between the secret walls of your room.

I was confronted with the words of 'you have a call, it's a family emergency.' 

Immediately my thoughts were, 'no that's not possible, that sort of thing has never happened.'

I was quickly slapped in the face when all the people that breezed through my mind abruptly stopped at my grandma and the struggles she has had recently. 

I stood at the desk, holding the phone to my ear listening to the other end saying to stay strong. Exposed to the outside and the unfamiliar people, tears immediately came to my eyes and my voice became shaky and unstable. The tomato resurfaced, choked me up and made it unbearable to speak. 

I have spent the day in the hospital laughing, crying, admiring the hot doctor and conducting an interview for my next story. A day filled with so much pushing and pulling. 

She laid in the bed all day as we sat by her side. It was heartbreaking to see someone so frail and that I love so much lay helplessly in her own tears begging to go home. In and out of conversation, random thoughts that went through her mind were expressed through her requests. 'Don't throw anything away,' she said. 'Well, why would we throw anything away?' 'Because it's a mess.' she answered as she turned her head and looked at me. 'We won't throw anything away,' I promised as she looks at me with the most trusting eyes that I have ever seen. She smiled at me solidifying the fact that she trusted what I said. It killed me. It immediately brought tears to my eyes and my head down to shield her from my sadness.  

The bruises all over her arms, legs, feet and hips showed my oblivious family just the pain and struggles she has been going through on her own the past few weeks. Has she been keeping this from us to postpone the possibility of someone helping her? Is she so stubborn that the mere thought of going into assistant living or having a nurse would make her keep these secrets, these pains and these injuries from her own family? Scary, sad, numb.

I got back from my short shift after being at the hospital for the day and walked into the room of red eyes, exhaustion, two doctors and my grandma, the center of it all, frail as splinter but still just as beautiful. They found a mass on her lower right lung and a mass in her brain. Melissa took me outside the room to catch me up to speed, as if anyone or anything were about to change. I stood there waiting for something to happen, for it to absorb within me, but it's as if I heard it and it just pinged back to her. 

As I sit here and type it's too surreal, too soon, too new, too impossible. It's not really happening, it just isn't. 

Express Your Love

Here I am... sitting on my couch...'Will and Grace' on the TV in the distance, a blue moon on the table and the computer on my lap. Wearing an extremely comfortable and comforting sweat shirt and shorts that just barely cover enough. Feeling good from the few drinks I had at work and even better with the one that sits in front of me. 

Feeling satisfied with the amount of work that has taken over my week and hours through the days and even better about the things and moments that lie ahead. 

I have recently returned from my week vacation on the west coast. An overall relaxing and wonderful trip with my mom and cousins. Explored the Grand Canyon and went to the floor of it in a helicopter, strolled up the Colorado river in a pontoon boat, walked the strip in Vegas where I stayed for the week, went on a few amusements rides 1400 ft in the air, went to some shows and had amazing food. A good, much needed, freeing week. 

Now back into the grind of life and loving it. I started my new job this week and am happy to meet new people and to continue saving money for the cruise I plan to go on in January. There's always that bit of anxiousness and hesitation when I start a new job, but for some odd reason I just don't seem to have this here. It's as if I don't really care, but at the same time I do. I know I have it under my belt and will rock it, maybe I'm just confident in my skills and whether I can keep this job or not really doesn't matter to me. It's not a bad feeling, this lack of anxiousness or hesitation, it's actually sort of freeing. 

So this cruise I'm contemplating going on before my European adventures in February, I'm pretty sure is going to happen, but I will not confidently know until next weekend. I want to, it just comes down to financial budgeting. But hey if you can hack it, then just get it done.

My grandma again had a possible 'mini-stroke'  this week. All the more reason to cherish every moment with the ones that may soon slip from our lives. To hug, to hold, to kiss, to say 'I love you' to, so please take the time today to call someone that you love and to tell them that you love them. It will mean so much to them and just reiterate the passion, place and love you hold for them in your heart. 

So here I am stuck, or not necessarily stuck but in this place of limbo of letting go and then embracing something new. Here I am letting go of a past I know, to embrace something possibly so much better. The rock I stand on once told me that the most exciting part is that what is still to come will be so much better and feel so much better. That what is still to come will hold all the things I know I want and will not be all the things I know I do not want. The rock I stand on once told me that I have choices and I can pick and choose based upon what I already know I like and want and what I do not like, nor do not want. It's rather exciting. 

"She'll be okay, she just has to feel it," a quote from one of my favorite TV shows. Isn't that the truth though. The best remedy to getting over something, to dealing with some pain is to feel it. To feel it's entirety and embrace the pain with everything you've got. Whether it be in one big shot or a million different moments, just feel it. I haven't gone back because in the end what happened, was right. It was never meant to be and we were just fooling ourselves with the comfort of each other to believe that it was. That feeling of course comes and goes, but in the end it will stick.

About to fall asleep as 1 AM rolls around on the digital clock on my computer screen. Mindlessly zoning into the movie that is on the TV screen, yet telling myself to keep writing. On my last page of my journal that I've had for four years. It feels so good to have had it for four years and so awesome to be able to look back and read entries that I had written four years ago. I think I have finally found another journal that I want to write in for the next four years and plan on purchasing it shortly. 

My mom just came into my living room to inform me about the amazing view that sits in the sky. The stars that I hardly ever get a chance to look at are in rare form and look absolutely beautiful. It's nights like these that I wish the hot tub was running and I could just go sit out in the boiling water and zone out to the life above me oblivious to it's life below, maybe next weekend. 

So I went to Body Art this week to have my nose ring literally ripped out of my nose in order to replace it with a retainer. I started talking as the lady ripped it out and it hardly hurt, yes it sounds gruesome, but it was a million times easier then inflicting pain upon myself. The few times that I had tried to change my nose ring in the past I thought I was going to faint. I immediately became light-headed and started seeing spots. Inflicting pain upon oneself is not easy unless the pain is desired, in my case, of course it was not. I recommend to anyone that has a nose ring, or any type of piercing besides the ears, if you have trouble changing it and it hurts to change it, go to the place you got it pierced and have someone do it for you for free, it's extremely better and hardly hurts. My nice little hint of advice for the night.

OKAY it's time to go sit outside on the porch and check out the stars for a while. Goodnight. 

Take A Look

So I was driving home from work tonight, once again singing quite loudly to the steering wheel and the vast of darkness before me and was completely taken back by the sight of the moon. 

Lying on it's side, almost a complete half moon with a hint of orange. It was beautiful sitting in the dark sky surrounded by the millions of stars. One of my favorite times of year, driving through the falling leaves and in awe of the beauty nature can become. I stepped out of my car and inhaled the smell of a fireplace and the hint of winter. It was freeing. It was comforting. I can not wait to soon see those falling leaves I currently drive through turn to falling pieces of snow that just can not seem to hold onto the tree branch any longer. I love this time of year, it is so warming.

If I could take a picture of it I would have, but it would not capture the same feeling it created.

We had a fire in our fireplace the other night, our first one of the fall and it was great. Cliche yes, but it was so nice to have my mom, dad, sister and I all together. One big happy family, yes of course we have our days, fights and aggravations but in the end, we all love each other. I can not wait to spend more cold fall and winter days with them this season.

I came down with some gruesome bug this past weekend. I was summoned to my bed and couch all day Saturday, a great way to catch up on sleep, if you like being ill. I feel much better, still a little weak but definitely coming out of it. Why is it when we are ill, all we want is to be taken care of, babied and constantly checked up on? Well, that is at least how I felt. I called my mom Saturday at some point during the day when I was awake inquiring when she would be home to take care of me. It is so tedious to have to continue getting up and refilling your own water and juice glass when you yourself are sick. Okay, okay, maybe a little selfish and childish, but I'm pretty sure we all happen to acquire these selfish, childish traits when we are sick. Needless to say, she soon came home and nicely continued to fill up my juice glass.

A busy week ahead full of doubles, getting my hair done, (which isn't so bad) trips to the gym, researching another story, sending out my resume and cover letter and of course taking time to read and write. Life isn't so bad and I guess it would be boring if it was a constant breeze. 

I guess life's way of keeping us on our toes is to ping objects, obstacles and new turns at us that we must dodge and adapt to. Bring it! 

Missing the moments...

Done with my two hour shift for the day and now sitting, replenishing my energy at a busy coffee shop on Church Street. Updating software on my computer, which always tends to slow things down just a bit. Waiting on an important email as I watch the rain fall from the sky and the pedestrians huddle under their tiny, $10 umbrellas for shelter. Chad Perrone sings to me and I allow his voice to drown out the cappuccino machine and wet, squishy shoes that walk across the tiled floor. 

Currently uninspired and feeling much like the sky looks. I guess I would feel the same way if I received a call like that, I guess I would push everyone away and I guess I would not want to talk to anyone. Or would I? I think about you. How can something so definite and prominent come to an instant, crashing end? It is easy to keep going and to deal with it through daily tasks, but it is hard when she makes me revisit it as she goes through it herself. I guess it is good for the both of us, I guess it is great that we both have each other, but at the end of every day as we attempt to tackle sleep and wrestle with the conflicting and inspirational events of the day, we embark upon that journey alone, with or without someone lying by our side. 

I often feel I waste time wondering and trying to answer my endless questions. I throw away so much time upon questions that do not have an effect upon me with or without their answers. I still can't surpass those few moments and I still find myself so caught up in them. Let it be what it was. 

Every day I live the same story, I guess I could carry on like I am indifferent to what happened and just swallow it, or I could skin my knees on the cement and just allow it to hurt and hit me as it should have. Do I always do this? Take the pain for a few minutes, hours or days and then swallow it because letting something effect me for that long is viewed as weak in my eyes? Am I weak? To let something so small, so microscopic arouse so many questions and distracting thoughts and for this long? Shouldn't I have let it go the day it happened? Should I have left it right were it started? Once again contradicting, endless questions.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine." Ralph Waldo Emerson. I was googling inspirational quotes and came upon this quote of life. I like it. I am not sure as to why, it is true though. The shadows that lay on the pavement were created by us, by our stance, by the construction of the buildings, by our own movement. Our thoughts, our dreams, our wishes, our days, our journeys, our tasks are all created by us. We can either stand in our own way of achieving greatness or we can step aside and clear the path to accomplishing everything we ever wanted. 

And he is right, the great man of wisdom and rock that helps me stand, "you just miss the moments." Thank you my wise friend. 

Time to step out into the rain without a rain coat and umbrella and carry on to where my feet lead me. 

EmBrAcE iT

In attempts to relax from a long day at work and then the gym, I found myself absolutely mesmerized by the pictures that continued to pop up on my screen saver. Stuck in a trance of reliving every experience, moment and memory that the pictures revisited. Don't really know what more to say about it.

 I miss my girls but know they are out there and we carry each other in our hearts. 

I will be going back in February, but it just will not be the same without them. So many moments that slip through my mind or may be forgotten, but after seeing a photo the warmth quickly fills my heart. 

We were free. Although our families and friends back home were missed, we were free from any and everything. Problems, love and happiness back home were indifferent to us. We had each other and our new freedom. We had the world in our grasp and held it close and tight. We became explorers in our own adventures and hugged every moment with as much intensity as possible to never forget the feeling of being free. 

Fear did not exist. Fear of the unknown was another great adventure to explore the next bend. Not only did we find new friends and places, we found ourselves.  

We found new angles, dreams and discoveries we may have just passed by in comforting surroundings. 

Looking through these pictures, I was there once again. I was sitting on top of that mountain in Switzerland, breathless by the climb and the view. I was insanely content and free from any careless problem again. I could feel the support of Lindsay and the chill on my cheeks once again.

I was sitting on that stone hedge with Megan at the Island of Capri eating that sticky orange and making funny faces at Whitney as she photographed the moment. 

When we take photos who are we smiling at? Who are we blowing a kiss to? Who are we laughing at? Will we remember the joke when we revisit the picture in the future? Our future selves. We smile, blow a kiss, or laugh with our future selves to help us remember that time. Every photo taken for our future self and future onlooker.

It is easy to let time slip by and to just watch the hand on a clock make it's rotation, but it is even easier to hug every moment, to make every second worth it. To walk, to breathe, to look with passion. Whether it be hatred, love, happiness, whatever, it is so easy to be passionate and to embrace every step, breath, look and instant. 

Embrace it, let time run it's course and hug it with every bit of energy you carry with you.   

A Monday night. Wanting my ritual of writing every Monday to continue, I sit on my couch slightly distracted by the TV and internet, but begin to unravel my weave of thoughts.

I sit here and wonder how another fall has already crept upon us. It’s that in-between time where keeping the windows open at night means freezing when you crawl out of bed in the morning; winter seems to be looming in the air. How did this year, these months, and these days all go by so quickly? I’m sure that is everyone’s question when they look back upon the summer months or the first few weeks of the year, but it all just seems to go by so fast. It all seems to change so quickly.

Wishing you could go back to another moment on the lake, another instant in the snow, another minute of sleep is useless, a waste of a moment you can grasp.

Battler: a person who refuses to admit to defeat in the face of difficulty. The title of Gregory Douglass’ new CD, soon to be released in 2009. An amazing artist, one of the few that can sing and touch my soul. His words, his voice, his passion has a way of seeping through my skin and reaching the depths of my soul that just make me want to fall to my knees.

I was just on his myspace website (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=14107193)

And saw the title of his new CD and had to find the true definition of the word. I don’t know what it is about his music, but it has the ability to bring out any and every emotion of me. A person I once knew told me I had the ability to do that to him, how is this possible? How is it possible that a person I do not even know has this amazing ability without even knowing? Do we all hold these abilities without any knowledge? Is it possible that at some point in our lives we have this potential to draw every emotion from a person to their surface?

Have you ever had anyone like this in your life, or a person not even remotely in your life allow feelings you never knew existed become present and instantly prominent?

So a change of thought now that I’m done looking through the ‘word of the day’ on dictionary.com. I work with this person who is so contradicting. I feel this person gives situations the upper hand in their life and lets these things, instances or conflicts take over their mood, day and often week. I feel like this person allows things to effect them more than needed. However, in a contradicting view, I’ve also seen them not give a shit. As if whatever they were doing was nothing, meant nothing and it just dissolved and they are indifferent to the outcome. How can a person be so contradicting? Is it the difference between caring for something and not having any emotional ties to the other? 

Not sure, just thoughts.

I recently wrote a story for the Charlotte News, a story on Kelly Brush, creator of the Kelly Brush Foundation (http://www.kellybrushfoundation.org/ ) She became paralyzed a few years ago in a skiing accident, although recently paralyzed her dreams for life have only grown. A true inspiration and devoted woman.

My story was published on Tuesday and is on their website, (http://www.thecharlottenews.org/pages/kellybrushridesonsupportsothers.html)

It’s nice to see my name up there. J

Where were YoU?

Where were you 7 years ago on September 11th when two planes crashed into the The World Trade Centers in NYC? 

Were you still sleeping peacefully in your apartment? Were you jogging through the park thinking about all the activities the day would entail? Were you sipping a coffee outside a quaint cafe with a long-lost friend? Were you in class learning geometry? Or were you exiting the North tower building? Where were you?

I was sitting in one of the science classrooms at my high school with my friend Rihanna. The TV was on, silence swept through the school and the only sound that filled our ears was the newscasters and our own whispering questions.

I honestly wasn't in shock because I didn't really think it was real. I saw what it was, but at first I merely thought one of the buildings was on fire. I didn't grasp the theory that someone had deliberately crashed a plane into one of our country's landmarks and deliberately killed people. I did not understand that we were targeted and our country was in danger. 

It wasn't until that night when I was home alone, sitting on my living room floor working on a project for school, that I watched the news and saw people jumping out of buildings, and the footage of the collapse. I was then in shock. I'm sure like many other people that night, and for days to follow I watched the footage over and over again in disbelief and horror.

7 years later and we're still fighting, still defending and still claiming our ground. But does it or will it ever really end? Once this is over, something else will creep along and cause another 7 year battle to 'win.' 

Are we really winning anything, or just loosing our loved ones and dignity in hopes to grasp some power?

Sign Me Up

Alright so I was looking through some blogs online and liked the idea of adding photos, so I present to you this photo. It was taken on my mac while I was studying abroad in Rome, Italy. Pretty funny if you ask me. Apparently, we were bored with all the time on our hands and I had remembered the awesome photo booth conveniently located on my computer and this is what we came up with, along with a few others of course. 

Speaking of Rome - Here is a semi view from my cute, quaint little apartment I shared with 5 other girls. I miss it. I think what I miss the most is sitting on that balcony in the morning eating my cereal, or in the afternoon watching 'The Hills' or reading, or sitting on the balcony at night drinking wine with my companions. Yup, good times.

I recently had a reunion with 4 of the many people I hung out with while studying abroad. I traveled to Minnesota and had a blast. It's as if we all picked up right where we left off. We have carried on with our lives but continue to carry each and every memory and moment with us and hope to build more. 

It was fun, it was perfect, it was everything I needed.

Stop.

Blink.

Breathe.

Take a second

2See

The impaired,

Compare

2 The InDiFfErEnCe

of my COncerns.

If you face Death

If you conquer Death

Will you become

FEARLESS?

When the possibility of

DEATH

is present,

Are there no more concerns?

A Random Tap on the Wall

Interrupts my thoughts,

yet keeps me present.

BREATHE,

in...out...

Keys dangle,

he smiles...

I breathe.

Ice hits the glass,

the men talk

the pen writes

I Breathe.

Stand still.

stop in the street.

allow the people,

the conversations,

the birds,

the hope

the air

to pass you by....

to leave you where you

STAND

The caffeine hits my body.

my HEART beats faster,

my HANDS shake.

..breathe..

Feel this moment's entirety.

Feel the length of an emotion.

Feel the release of the past.

S l o w l y

b i t b y b i t

begin 2 let go

allow the love to dissipate,

allow it to SIT in your HAND

where your breath can let

that love become a million little pieces.

OUTSIDE MY body.

Soon it will not exist in me

soon it will not exist with me,

when that day comes,

you and I will be forever gone.

Ease up.

Bad.

OPINIONS.

USELESS WORDS...

MINDLESS WORDS...

that merely make us analyze,

dramatize,

and question our own moves.

----.

Pink watch.

stopped.

BROKEN from the MOMENT IT WAS ON.

useless.

yet satisfactory.

"wash your hands clean"

FoReSeE

the USELESSNESS of your desire

the unsatisfactory that accompanies those...

DESIRES.

Nothing more than a

MEMORY

A MOMENT,

An INSTANT,

A BLINK,

that I can carry,

and that I can leave behind.

Breathe...

Relax...

stop your thoughts,

stop your anger

and become

Present...

PINK SHIRT.

FLIES ON MY FOOT

FULL STOMACH

HERE.

--REMEMBER MY OWN WANTS--

Don't allow alterations -

Don't embellish

Stick to original

desires.

Don't become caught up -

washed up -

in the eyes,

the warmth,

the comfort.

Inevitability can not envelop.