Welcome to the Sewage Shop - It IS refreshing

Lazy Sunday. Burlington Boy and I engorged ourselves in a feast after many hours of sleep; blueberry pancakes, bacon, coffee and a stroll through town. Happy Sunday.

Spent last evening dancing, spilling drinks, and strolling the streets as a herd. It felt good. Caught up with a long lost friend and connected with people as our bond was strengthened, even though the bar often smelt like a sewage shop, I was refreshed.

There is something about meeting with many different people around one table, being loud, reckless and interested. All coming together to support, have fun and be with one another is inspiring. Having friends is inspiring. It is often over looked and just assumed, yes people have friends, but do we occasionally take them for granted? What would life be like without our daily companions, our best friends, our lovers? Boring. Lonely. Would we adapt?

I went for a 12 mile run yesterday afternoon as part of my training for the marathon and I found my mind wondering to one of my best friends. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of blessedness. How have I gotten so lucky to have just this one person in my life? I think of her and am overcome with relief, thankfulness and all feelings of ever being alone are shattered. We all have those days and I often say we are and always will be alone, but it is moments like this where I retrace those words and take them back.

With her in my life, with best friends in my life, I will not be alone in the heart or in the mind.

Try not to take them for granted, try to treat them as you want to be treated, stay in constant contact, fight for what you want.

Relaxing on this Sunday...God Bless.

Pounding Desire

I often find myself writing about change. I remember when I was younger I said I hated change but would counteract this notion by moving my room around every week just to add some spice.

Does this mean I truly am driven towards change? Or, is it I like controlled change as opposed to sudden, unpredictable change? A lot of change has occurred in my life since graduation in 2008, but I suppose it is like that for most graduates.

The career world suddenly starred me down and haunted me in my dreams. Somehow, I got caught up in this spill of one day after another and found myself contemplating going back to school for nursing. Although I contemplate this idea every single day and try to think of ways of how it would work with my passion to become a journalist and create a name for myself, I find myself floating while all these options trickle below me. Is it selfish to want to grasp them all and hug them close to me? Is it even possible?

How do I become a distinguished, successful journalist and go back to school to become a nurse? Should I take night classes? Should I take courses online? Am I sure I want to do this? Am I sure I want to make this difference in people's lives?

Once again these questions were solidified in my heart and mind when I saw her look into my eyes in her hospital room. It is nothing the same to what happened and started 2 years ago, but it is that same look. The same pleading, begging look to be looked after, to be promised, to be loved, to be not alone. I saw it in her eyes tonight, I heard it in her voice even though she proclaimed she wanted us three girls to start stepping away and go back to our own lives and maintain them. It is not about the things she says or that she did once say, it is about the look in the eyes, the 'thank you's never spoken, the love not always told, I know it is there and I know I want to be that stability, safety and serenity for so many more people. I want to give back what I have been blessed to have.

So, as we are faced with another possibility, which inevitably will change many things in our current lives, I find myself being rational, wise and mature about this decision. Barton got offered a job in Massachusetts and although we are ready to move, the job is not as stable as we would like. Should we feed into our pounding desire to move out of this state, or should we step cautiously and wait for something else? It is such a hard decision, especially since I do not have a job down there yet. Again, here we are. At this crossroads of change where the visibility is poor.

Time has been hard, money has been tight, hours have been sparse. I have indulged back into running and will start training for the marathon next week. I am excited. Barton and I ran 7 miles last night and it felt amazing. The money that hardly exists, the work, the constant search for something better, was left at the turn of the first corner and there we ran, together through Persuade to relaxation, to breathing calmly again. It felt great.

I have started a new blog called Spicing up Life One Ingredient at A Time. It has been a lot of fun. I have found that I love to cook and the outcome is so rewarding.

Good news... my herbs are growing! Planted 6 different herbs and I see sprouts in ALL pots! Keep dreaming and continue to help.

God Bless.

Sunday Morning Call

What I find so crazy is the quickness of change. What I find so crazy is I can feel the heartache and pain they are going through. What I find so crazy is how fast someone's life can be taken away.

Just received my second call of my career informing me of death. An indirect death that no doubt has had a direct effect on their lives, hearts, thoughts, and memories. Last week he was merely in the hospital, a victim of the prevalent H1N1 flu and now lifeless, beaten and defeated by the illness that has taken over our country.

I am in disbelief at the speed something can take over our immune systems, our one and only force keeping us alive. It's unthinkable that there are more powerful things out there to tear down and break down our bodies. Think about it, what we have is our skin, our blood, our heart, our organs, these things were built to keep us alive, these things were produced to carry us through time, to think of some illness destroying that creation is crazy. To think that there is something so much more powerful out there to take out life, is scary.

Feeling bad for these people and wishing in some way I could do something to shed some pain.

Be thankful for the people in your life and try not to take them for granted.

Happy Thanksgiving.

God Bless.

"Who You Gonna Call"

At Muddy's enjoying the Saturday afternoon with Michael Buble and his new album "Crazy Love."

So I went out last night with a few girlfriends, the night consisted of free shots, continuous groping by strangers, loosing and then finding my friends, laughing at the one that was the most drunk and then walking back alone at 2 in the morning, unsafe in and of itself.

Maybe it is the bar we chose to go to, or maybe it is the majority of people that occupy Vermont, but why do guys deem it "okay" to rub a girls back, butt, arm, squeeze her side or tap her shoulder as she is walking by and then proceed to wink at her, why do they deem it "okay" to do these things to a complete stranger? I find it comical now, but was absolutely annoyed last night. Single or in a relationship, are these the type of guys that girls are really looking for? Are they the type of guys they are really attracted to?

I sit here trying to grasp some sort of perspective, how did I get to this point? It is a contradicting question with many answers, many angles and a lot of depth. Here's my attempt:

Well I moved here last summer to be with him. To start a life with him where we could physically be together. That all came crashing down one week before I moved back and he shattered my world and took my heart tumbling down with it. I picked up the pieces, moved back home like planned and built a new structure for myself to stand on. It was called willpower, it was called determination, it was called strength. So I built it, I helped it grow, I formed a life with new friends, new goals, new perspective and no turning back. I think what I loved most about that time was that I was one my own, the newness was exciting, riveting, and fun. I did not depend or rely on anyone but myself. I relied on myself to make new friends, to build a great enough friendship with these people to go out with and have fun with. It was hard, but I would do it all over again if I had to. Summer turned to Fall and I somehow found myself in love. It took me by surprise when I literally almost blurted out the words 'I love you' before going to quit a job. I kept my original goal of staying home to save money for my trip to Europe in the Spring, I had the opportunity of being with my grandma everyday as she passed away. These first 6 months back home were crucial. So I saved that money and I went over to Europe for a month. Exploration was our only goal. It's hard to believe that that trip was merely 9 months ago...We returned.. I went back home with new goals and new wants, the months have passed by, goals have been met and things have been pushed to future dates. But that doesn't answer my question.

How did I get to a point where I hardly go out with my girlfriends? Is it because most of them don't live here anymore? Maddie, has come and gone back to Seattle... Erika now lives in Cali, Angela still lives in Boston...Margo has moved on to Norway.. Girlfriend is STILL in Minnesota...It's crazy to have a huge group of girlfriends and all this great support constantly surrounding me and then have more than half of them move away. Great for them, I am truly happy that they have all moved on but I miss them. I miss this support surrounding me. I guess what it comes down to is that I am upset with the fact that I don't have many girlfriends to call up anymore.

So what am I going to do about it? Make more friends. It's such a childish thing, but I feel if you're not in school or working, it is hard to make friends, and I think this same concept applies to meeting a potential partner. Maybe I just need more time to myself. Maybe I need to go back to standing on that structure. Either way this feels good, sitting here, alone, (well with Michael) and attempting to lay it out.

There are many ways in which I could embrace this and I guess the best way would be positively. Set goals, get things done, keep on keeping on.

Disappearing Personality?

Trying to find my path in life... is it online..? is it in a newspaper? Has it already passed me by? When I say path do I merely mean job? Sad... but as insignificant as it may be in the end, it is all that is guiding me right now.

Trying to move out and see more of another city, but trying to be financially secure before I take a leap into another adventure. Yes, I would love for that perfect job to fall into my lap and for me to say bon voyage to waitressing forever... I mean that is my ultimate goal.

I could always transfer with the VNA and then take the LNA course that they offer to see if I could really do the nursing thing.... could I? I don't know, it seems like it would be the logical thing to do right now, especially with the economy continuously plummeting and succeeding, how can anyone depend on a constant, steady income with the market making us nausea?

Well, applied for two other journalism jobs, one in California and one in Massachusetts, at this point all I am looking for is an interview. Wrote another email to my contact in London and now attempting at some research for my internship with the Literary Traveler. It's crazy how accomplishing these things can drastically change my mood and sense of confidence. But the fact of the matter is, I am in the same spot I was when I was complaining to my mom. I still do not have a concrete journalism job, I still have yet to figure out where I am moving and still have not landed an interview. Technicalities, can't let those kinda things get me down.

Shaking my head at the thought of it. Should I be as blunt to say that I think it is absolutely ridiculous to be buying a house with another man only 6 months after finalizing a divorce. Where is the logic? Where is the intelligence that I constantly see? Maybe it's just me, maybe I am being protective, maybe I am be cynical, I just feel that it is absurd. When I heard about this for the first time my mind instantly went to the what ifs.... What if they break up? What if she has to go through all the legal shit again? What if she can't afford this place without him?

From what I have heard, she could not afford this place on her own, without him. So why would she even consider it? I think it is crazy that at how quickly people/things can change.

This time last year was much different and I really liked it, it is as simple as that. I for once in my life had a sister. I had a sister that I could call a really great friend. I had a sister that I would go to and vent to, not just about the family but about things in my life. I had a sister that I would go to and talk with. Where has she gone? Where has the relationship dissipated to?

I know I can not lay all the blame on her, but when she was single and when she was free of any inhibition, she was fun. She stopped judging me for going out and stopped judging me for the clothes I wear and realized that she wanted to do and wear similar things. Now, I'm not leading you in a direction to think I dress badly or provocatively, not at all, but from as far as I can remember she has put me down, judged me and demanded things of me. She has somehow learned to take over the motherly role when my mom is absent and to her, this means telling me what to do and then yelling at me and calling me names when I refuse to it.

Am I really being lazy? Or am I defending myself?

She is a person that is determined and once she sets her mind to do something, she will do it. Good for her. I hope it works out. But I also hope and wish that the sister I know she can be wouldn't always disappear when a man walked into her life.

Still looking down the tunnel and trying to find my path... I go back to researching...

Heartache vs. Unchosen Abandonment

So here I sit.. at my parents house, catsitting, no one here but Bernard, Ace and I. I sit here, watching probably the saddest movie on TV and I choose to sit here and cry. "P.S. I love you." I don't even know what to say about it.

As I sat and watched, sat and cried, and still continue to watch my heart aches for her. I can not fathom it, I can not fathom the possibility of being so inlove, so intertwined, and so connected with someone that it feels as if your two heart beats are in constant symmetrical rhythm with each other and then instantly poof, gone, taken away like the past second by a brain tumor.

It is heartbreaking to have your heartbroken by a man: a father, a lover, a significant figure, but it is undenibly torturous, deafening, and hurling to have your man taken, to be abandoned not by choice. I do not know this from experience, this torturous, deafening, hurling feeling and I hope to never feel it. But in my own naiveness, is there a line? Is there a difference between the heartbreak and the unchosen abandonment?

Do I even want to know?

To be inlove: To embrace his chest against your back as the warmth of your bodies envelop the comforter. To roll over and kiss his puffy lips from a good nights rest. To jump into his arms. To fight. To make up. To make love. To get lost in his stories in a loud restaurant. To see the world together. To hold hands in an uncomfortable situation. To hold hands. To laugh. To joke. To cry. To sneak unexpected, unallowed glances his way. To whisper into each others ears in the empty house. To believe in each other. To encourage and support each other. To smile. To share. To help. To dance in an empty room, on an empty floor.

This is what I know and this is what I feel. I have had my heartbroken, I have felt suffocated and I have felt abandoned, but without those feelings I could not have felt these. So does it really matter if there is a difference between heartbreak and unchosen abandonment? Is there a difference when love becomes so overpowering, so consuming and so beautiful? Does not lose blend together and blur into the same line?

Approaching Fall

Sitting in the kitchen at the kitchen table, a loaf of zucchini bread to my left, orange juice to the top of the screen and the window blowing cool Fall air upon my face. I walked outside yesterday to run some errands with a client and I could feel Fall. I could feel the holidays (although still far away) approaching, I could feel the warmth of just the thought of them envelop my heart.

Yesterday was a long, but fine day. I worked at the Ice House in the evening and was happy to be a part of a party of 18. I was happy about this before they walked down the stairs and told us that they would need to split the bill 18 ways.... c'mon people... really? Okay okay, it wasn't awful, but 18 different American Express cards is a bit redundant, to say the least.

The two insurance men boldly sitting next to this party of 18, took it upon themselves to pull me aside, throw some witty banter my way and chat it up. Maybe they chose me because I was the only girl working that night... or maybe not, who knows. One was the creator/owner of McAuley, Woods and Associates. They were trying to convince me to become an insurance agent and were discreetly bashing my choice of journalism. Well, it is what it is. I guess I would never be one to understand why people feel they have the right to pass judgment on some one else's life choice, I guess these men disregard this notion or are completely oblivious. Either way, they gave me their cards, tried to figure out if they knew of anyone in journalism in Chicago or London. Nothing came to the surface and honestly nothing probably will. I just found it comical.

And the search for the Passport begins....