Where were YoU?

Where were you 7 years ago on September 11th when two planes crashed into the The World Trade Centers in NYC? 

Were you still sleeping peacefully in your apartment? Were you jogging through the park thinking about all the activities the day would entail? Were you sipping a coffee outside a quaint cafe with a long-lost friend? Were you in class learning geometry? Or were you exiting the North tower building? Where were you?

I was sitting in one of the science classrooms at my high school with my friend Rihanna. The TV was on, silence swept through the school and the only sound that filled our ears was the newscasters and our own whispering questions.

I honestly wasn't in shock because I didn't really think it was real. I saw what it was, but at first I merely thought one of the buildings was on fire. I didn't grasp the theory that someone had deliberately crashed a plane into one of our country's landmarks and deliberately killed people. I did not understand that we were targeted and our country was in danger. 

It wasn't until that night when I was home alone, sitting on my living room floor working on a project for school, that I watched the news and saw people jumping out of buildings, and the footage of the collapse. I was then in shock. I'm sure like many other people that night, and for days to follow I watched the footage over and over again in disbelief and horror.

7 years later and we're still fighting, still defending and still claiming our ground. But does it or will it ever really end? Once this is over, something else will creep along and cause another 7 year battle to 'win.' 

Are we really winning anything, or just loosing our loved ones and dignity in hopes to grasp some power?

Sign Me Up

Alright so I was looking through some blogs online and liked the idea of adding photos, so I present to you this photo. It was taken on my mac while I was studying abroad in Rome, Italy. Pretty funny if you ask me. Apparently, we were bored with all the time on our hands and I had remembered the awesome photo booth conveniently located on my computer and this is what we came up with, along with a few others of course. 

Speaking of Rome - Here is a semi view from my cute, quaint little apartment I shared with 5 other girls. I miss it. I think what I miss the most is sitting on that balcony in the morning eating my cereal, or in the afternoon watching 'The Hills' or reading, or sitting on the balcony at night drinking wine with my companions. Yup, good times.

I recently had a reunion with 4 of the many people I hung out with while studying abroad. I traveled to Minnesota and had a blast. It's as if we all picked up right where we left off. We have carried on with our lives but continue to carry each and every memory and moment with us and hope to build more. 

It was fun, it was perfect, it was everything I needed.

Stop.

Blink.

Breathe.

Take a second

2See

The impaired,

Compare

2 The InDiFfErEnCe

of my COncerns.

If you face Death

If you conquer Death

Will you become

FEARLESS?

When the possibility of

DEATH

is present,

Are there no more concerns?

A Random Tap on the Wall

Interrupts my thoughts,

yet keeps me present.

BREATHE,

in...out...

Keys dangle,

he smiles...

I breathe.

Ice hits the glass,

the men talk

the pen writes

I Breathe.

Stand still.

stop in the street.

allow the people,

the conversations,

the birds,

the hope

the air

to pass you by....

to leave you where you

STAND

The caffeine hits my body.

my HEART beats faster,

my HANDS shake.

..breathe..

Feel this moment's entirety.

Feel the length of an emotion.

Feel the release of the past.

S l o w l y

b i t b y b i t

begin 2 let go

allow the love to dissipate,

allow it to SIT in your HAND

where your breath can let

that love become a million little pieces.

OUTSIDE MY body.

Soon it will not exist in me

soon it will not exist with me,

when that day comes,

you and I will be forever gone.

Ease up.

Bad.

OPINIONS.

USELESS WORDS...

MINDLESS WORDS...

that merely make us analyze,

dramatize,

and question our own moves.

----.

Pink watch.

stopped.

BROKEN from the MOMENT IT WAS ON.

useless.

yet satisfactory.

"wash your hands clean"

FoReSeE

the USELESSNESS of your desire

the unsatisfactory that accompanies those...

DESIRES.

Nothing more than a

MEMORY

A MOMENT,

An INSTANT,

A BLINK,

that I can carry,

and that I can leave behind.

Breathe...

Relax...

stop your thoughts,

stop your anger

and become

Present...

PINK SHIRT.

FLIES ON MY FOOT

FULL STOMACH

HERE.

--REMEMBER MY OWN WANTS--

Don't allow alterations -

Don't embellish

Stick to original

desires.

Don't become caught up -

washed up -

in the eyes,

the warmth,

the comfort.

Inevitability can not envelop.

"Take Time to Realize.."

Slow down, lay down, sit still, turn off the lights, silence the phone and play that music. Exhausted. I lay here in my bed and begin to let the music sway my mind and thoughts into a blur. It feels as if I have not slowed down in a few weeks. Have not had the time to fully collect myself and regain strength to keep going, yet somehow I find myself continuing to move and step through each day. Life is good. Don't allow my complaints of exhaustion let you think otherwise, because this extreme weight upon my eyes is worth it. Every late night, every early morning, every sleepless moments, were worth this weight. 

Many things have happened these past few weeks that have changed my views, arisen thoughts and feelings I thought I was over and allowed me to be on a sea-saw of contradicting feelings. 

Recently I have been contemplating how much each individual fools themselves. Fools themselves into believing they're happy, fooling themselves into believing a piece of chocolate cake is fine 3 times a week, fooling themselves into believing that drinking every night will not catch up with them, fooling themselves into believing that they look good in jeans that are just way too tight.  However, it hasn't been these indifferent ideas that have caught my mind, it has been this idea that we fool ourselves into believing we are happy, but why? When I ask myself this I think about relationships I've been in and relationships my friends and family have been in. Why fool ourselves into believing that things are really better then they are, in the end we'll only be hurting and punishing ourselves.

Were they ever happy? Were we ever happy? Or were we all just caught up in this routine of pretending and false perceptions? I understand that happiness is not a constant thing, yet comes and goes, which gives us a ground to stand on. Constant happiness would be boring, predicting, a waste. So why waste our time fooling ourselves when we could just drop it all and actually go for the real thing? Is this the real thing? Do I have it all wrong, or am I looking at it in a negative light? When something doesn't work out am I automatically assuming that I was fooling myself? A lot of questions, yes I know, but it's challenging to decipher and it's been on my mind. 

I was driving to work the other morning and found myself caught up in feelings I thought I surpassed. I was dumbfounded and apparently need to take the time to realize that it's not that simple. It still hurts, but I know the choice is mine now and the way it is is the way I choose it to be.  I haven't figured out if it's better for me to stay constantly busy or to just slow down and breath it all in. I guess I do both and intertwine the two.

I don't understand where it all goes, the love. How can two people, or even one for that matter, tell another they love them and then so quickly turn their back. It's not just me, it's in any relationship. Friendship, lovers, family. One wrong move, or one action not taken and that's it, it's snatched away and you're left standing there without your breath. You stand there suffocating as you watch the other walk away when you just can't seem to move. Where do you put it? The love, the feelings, the emotions, the memories, where does it all go? After it all, how can any person so quickly turn around, turn their back and just walk away? I guess it becomes a matter of themselves, and what they believe is best for themselves and what they need, we are only what we have. 

Rambling, I know, I'm exhausted. 

Where I be, I am

Another moment, another day and another night goes by that I contemplate blogging. That I find myself fighting the urge to write down and face the things that I have pushed away. As I re-read what I write and think about the things that are truly on my mind, I find it hard to address them. 

Summer days have taken over life and the carelessness and freedom has become my way of living. It's great, it's nice, it's everything I could ask for right now. I don't think about the future or the past that has shaped me, I am every bit in this moment as the second hand on any clock. It's simple really, to just go with it. To make a decision in a split second, to change my plans at the drop of an idea, to switch my step to avoid a fall. I'm happy. Things are hard, things are easy, things are everything that they are suppose to be. 

I lay here on my own couch, my own purchase, in my own living room and it feels nice. It feels good to have a fresh start, to have a new life and to once again, begin. A clean slate, to make anything everything I want it to be. I've changed my perception about this place and this situation I find myself in. It feels good to know that although I may be alone, and always have been alone, I have many people to surround myself with. 

It feels good to be. It feels good to be here. It feels good to be alone. And it feels good to know that I can start over wherever I go. 

Inseparable Moments

"Innocence don't let me go"

Another day at work, a few hours to relax at the bar with some wine and my book and I am now here, at my desk allowing my thoughts and words to interrupt the packing that will eventually lead to my return home. 

As I laid articles of clothes, sheets, pillow covers, towels, and numerous of other things into a suitcase I began to find my thoughts trailing to a place that has left me feeling uncertain about my choice I have made. What if I am making the wrong decision? Am I taking a step back? Am I failing by going back home? Will things be the same? I began to question everything I was choosing until I laid down on my bed and allowed the music to just engross my mind. I called Andy. I haven't spoken to anyone really about my thoughts and feelings about moving, about leaving, about again living at home. Have I not made the effort to explain and tell people how I've been feeling or have people been unavailable? Whatever the case, I have found myself here, feeling this emotion as often as I breath.

I called Andy. I needed to spill my guts. Let it out. Cry out to someone that would understand, that would take the time to hear my worries and every concern that has enveloped my mind ever since this reality has begun creeping closer and closer. 

Each time I have opened up a suit case or pulled the cap off of a tub to fill with possessions that I have collected over the years, I have begun to feel more and more alone. I know that is all we ever are in this world, in the end we are always alone. Alone with ourselves, alone with our own thoughts, and merely surrounded by the people that pass through life. 

As Andy spoke to me and tried to put things into perspective for me, to try and help me look at the things that my tears were blurring, I began to think about everything I had packed, all the empty hangers that currently hang in my closet. It's not about the shirt I wore that one time I kissed him, the towel that felt best against my sunburned back, the journal that contains the contents and details of my life for the past four years, the socks, the shirts, the jeans, the dresses, the coats, the vests, the jewelry, the books and everything else that I have packed up. It is not about the papers that I wrote that had an A+, the videos that I create in my production courses or the photos that I have taken and framed. Whether I packed everything I had or not, it would not matter. Everything that I pack would not make a difference because everything I have that I will ever need, that I have learned, loved and cherished from these past four years are inside me, inseparable from me. They will forever be embedded in me. These things that I pack are merely just "paper and cloth" but in the end, what is their true significance? They are only items.

Writing truly makes me feel better. It allows time for my face to dry from my own tears and just a chance to write, to let it out. Ahh I feel a little better. Alright, so I will now go back to packing. I will let it be what it simply is, putting cloth and paper into a carrying case and will continue on with my night, because in 6 months, this too will have passed.

Everything.

So I sit here in my bed on June 5th, having to look at my phone because I have become lost in the summer days. Here I lay half way between drunk and sober and all I can think about and day dream about are my friends around the world that mean the world to me. Lindsay, Megan, Erin, Whitney, Troy and Scotty. My Europe friends that unwillingly and unknowingly changed my life forever. 

Lindsay, one of my roommates from Rome, who grew up in New Jersey came to visit Angela and I for a few days. With the spontaneity of our decision and quick plan to see each other again I was overwhelmed with excitement and happiness. Ang and I went to South Station in Boston to meet her, track 5 she said as I called her from the escalator of the T. We went outside and say her figure walk in through the sliding doors. I know it sounds so fairy tale like, but there she was, like a long lost friend that I hadn't seen in years. I wanted to cry, I wanted to jump up and down and I did, I cried inside for all the months I have missed her and everyone of my roommates. There she was, there we were, in the exact same place where we left off  - happiness. 

The past two days have been great. A time to catch up and once again enjoy each other's company. It wasn't until tonight, again our last night until she departs together, that we started revisiting the memories and adventures and laughs and cries we went through together. The little things we took for granted. The attempts at first unlocking our door, the closterphobic elevator, the first nights of eating together on our balcony, greeting Scotty and Troy at the door with appetizers. Every little moment that seemed so indifferent have suddenly come back to life. Tonight, sitting on that bar stool as we joked and reminisced about our memories, every little memory that I have thought about, that I have dreamed about, that I have wished for since I have come back were finally revisited. Finally I could talk to someone that knew the exact feeling that I went through. Finally I could talk to someone that knew exactly what we ALL have been going through. The struggle, the passion, the longing, the silents laughs, the random smiles as we all think about the memories we all have shared together.

Finally I have felt the chance to share that with my roommate again, maybe not all, but enough to bring that happiness and freedom back.

It was and has been everything I have ever wanted.