The Little Girl

Taking a moment to sit down between lesson assignments, dishes, running and mailing out another application for 3 new classes. Breathe. I might be over doing it... I haven't even thought about how I am going to pay for it all financially, especially when a turn of events occurs I will need an extra few thousand just for a first deposit.

I am being rational but also head strong. I know what I want and I guess that's more than I can say for other people. I want to be in this program next fall for the mere fact that I want my RN before I am 27... yikes 27 seems daunting. It will all fall into place.

Week 3 I think of training. It is going well. I most definitely need new shoes and the dreaded shin splints are making some runs a bit unfriendly. Hoping to buy them this weekend.

OH Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you take some time to recognize what you are thankful for. I am thankful for many things in life and I whisper them to myself when needed... I keep them close to my heart.

A friend told me that he keeps a picture of himself as a little boy and said that every time he looks at it he knows that he has to take care of this little boy. Although it is him 20 years ago, he still loves this little boy and knows that he needs to take care of him. I thought this was very insightful. Sometimes, actually very often, I forget to take care of myself. I forget to eat, I forget to breathe, I forget to ask myself what I want to do, what I want for dinner, what I want this day to include. I feel this mental image or an actual picture of me as a little girl will help me realize that this little girl needs to be taken care of everyday, needs to be loved everyday and I am the only one that can do that. I thought this idea was so insightful and so helpful. As my tears dropped into the cup of hot water with lemon, I realized that he is right, and although I am a woman, it is easier to realize that I still need to take care of myself as a woman or little girl... either way I need to take care of myself.

At home with the B... tearing apart a paper towel roll, snuggling on the couch and singing loudly. Back to work I go and then off to run... Try to stay focused on what is right in front of you. Don't let life pass you by by dwelling and allowing unhappiness to envelop you. There is good in everything and everyone. Get out of the house and see what you pass by each day.

Happy Thanksgiving... smile and try to be thankful for the things and people that are there.

Becoming level-headed

Sitting on the floor of my living room, surrounded by text books and realizing my stomach is in pain from hunger. I sit here reading through random blogs, and procrastinating as the sun sits upon the buildings that fill the space outside the sliding door.

In the midst of week two for training, I ponder the idea if running helps clear my head and thoughts? Was I a more level-headed person when I was training for my first marathon compared to when I was just running to stay in shape? Does following a running regime and sticking to it for self-satisfaction aid in the possibility of becoming more level-headed?

Yes, yes I think it does. I say this in relation to diligence. If we can't stick to something that we do for ourselves, how do we expect to accomplish anything?

Running makes everything easier. I know I have said this before, and was dumbfounded the first time someone had said it to me, but running becomes a way to release energy, stress, and bad air.

Running makes me more level-headed because it becomes the leveling factor of all other things in my life. Although challenging at times, it simplifies every step, every breath, and every beat of the heart.

To allow running to become a simplistic factor in your life, is to embrace the moments of silence when you run. It is not often that we are in a state of silence, mentally and physically, but for me, this often occurs when I run.

Running helps me become more level-headed because it is silencing. No one talks to me while I run down the street, and no one interrupts my swift movements, it is merely the road and I making our own soundtrack and competing in our own race. Take it as you want it.

Week 2:

11 miles completed

14 miles to go

Average pace 8:03

Run on.

Week One... CHECK!

The familiar grime of sweat and salt gathered upon my face, the voice in my head complained and my shin splints presented themselves in full force, but my first 8 mile run in this 18-week training period is complete and I feel rejuvenated.

A day of rain, led to a beautiful night. An inviting temperature to run the streets of San Francisco. I silenced my thoughts and listened to my breathing. I crept up on people and I was pleased with my quite, almost soundless footsteps. I soared through the streets.

This daunting 8 mile run became one familiar step after the other, my breathing calmed and I conquered the frequenting voice in my head grumbling of sore muscles.

I now sit on the couch, relaxed and content with a glass of wine and blanket thrown across my legs.

One week and 24 miles completed...

Run On.

Week 1: Breathing

On the cusp of completing the first week of yet another long journey of training.

18 weeks of grueling, challenging, fun, enlightening, and step by step training awaits me as I prepare for yet another marathon. March 6th, 2011 the 33rd Annual Napa Valley Marathon will host me, along with many other individuals, through the innumerable valleys of grapes and vineyards.

As I end the night calculating my miles that I have completed this week (11) and add up the miles left to accomplish (13), I look forward to the many hours on the road.

Although I consider myself a novice marathon runner, I believe that it is easy to understand why people do it. It is easy to understand why people are so driven to run and crave the miles. It is because the first step that hits the pavement and begins the pace, releases everything. There is so much to this everything, but it starts with breathing.

Week 1:

Weight 108

BMI: 19

Miles achieved this week: 11

Average pace: 8:30

1st Marathon Completed in 3 hours 46 minutes

Goal Time for Completion of 2nd Marathon: 3 hours 39 minutes

A Moment

I had a meeting the other day with a wise woman that wants to continue to work with me and my writing, an appealing and salivating concept considering she is across the country. Writing and I have been like an on and off again relationship, partly because my lack of dedication but not my lack of love. I hereby dedicate at least one day a week to my passion of writing. One late night, one early morning or one sentence on this blog at least once a week. There you have it onlookers, you are my witness, if writing is my passion, why am I being so distant and not giving it my utmost attention. As the old people use to say, 'if you don't use it, you are gonna loose it.'

So to the wise that take time to mentor me... I shall write on.

An excerpt I scribbled down while riding the train into work one day:

"I saw a grown man cry on the train this morning. he was reading, 'water for elephants.' i am intrigued by this book. what depths could it be about to make a grown man cry? is this man extra sensitive, or is this book amazingly powerful? he wept as i sat beside him and contemplated what was on the page and touching his soul in a special, memorable way."

I stood up in preparation to exit the train at my destination, before I took that first step out I glanced back at him. He starred at me in wonderment. I gave him a half smile filled with desires to enlighten his day and to leave him with hope that whatever he was crying about is not this moment. In an instant, in a moment of a half smile, our eyes met. As he starred in wonderment and I starred in wonderment, I stepped off the train, out of that moment and continued on with my day.

It has been months from my last entry, weeks since my last journaling session and minutes since I have actually thought about writing.

I am here. I am here in San Francisco with an apartment, a job and a new city to explore. Things are not as easy as I dreamed of. As insignificant as it may seem, I battle with the transit system daily, I sit on benches late at night waiting for minutes upon minutes for a single bus that I hope will show up as tears stream down my face. I walk into an empty apartment with often a lack of passion and still find myself craving something so deep and so true... what is this depth? What is this truth? Is it finally time to accept that this depth and truth is not in a place, it is within me?

I am happy I moved. I am happy to be in a new city. I have yet to have a chance or the funds to really explore and I feel my days are being spent working, working out and again, battling the transit.

I am not at the job in which I had hope to get. I do have a lunch date with someone that I hope will lead to great potential. I hope this lunch date will lead to at least an internship, an open door and an endless amount of possibilities of exploration. I want to join groups; running groups, yoga groups, cooking groups, I want to travel to India to explore the depths of meditation and yoga, I want to learn about meditation, I want to learn about the inner being so I can find this truth and this depth?

I must already possess these answers that I seek. Am I too loud? Am I just not listening enough...?

Where do my dreams lay? I am on a path...that in turn will lead to great things.

Two Week Notice

I did it... I got it. I have my ticket in hand and with 3 weeks remaining, the clock has begun to loudly tick.

As I drove to work at 5:30 this morning, the familiar thought of departure crept into my mind. However, the usual feelings of excitement and eagerness did not visit me this morning, instead I was confronted with a feeling of fear. I think for the first time in planning this excursion I realized that it is not just a trip, it is a trip and a landing. I will not be returning to Vermont for a long while... I will not be returning to Vermont permanently for a long while. The most important question came to mind, 'when will I see my family again?' And that is where it began.

I have no idea.

After moving back to Vermont in 2008 and expecting a short stay of six months, I am still here two years later. I am not quite sure where the days went, but I am grateful for the time I have had back in my home state. Of course it is normal for this feeling of fear to arise when making a drastic change and I understand that. I felt the same type of fear when I moved back home two years ago. But things worked out... really well. I adapted and am happy I stayed, but it is now truly time for me to keep moving.

So back to this realization that I am leaving Vermont again and that there is an immense amount of uncertainty. This is a risk, but without risks... would we really be living? I am excited and when it comes down to it I know I will see my family as soon as things settle down a bit and hopefully they will feel brave enough to travel across the country. ;-)

Two week notices will be put in place on Wednesday to all jobs and from there on out it is a battle of packing the necessities, saying goodbye and tying the loose ends together. Until then I continue to cherish my work, contemplate decisions and brace myself.

Saturday night and I have to be up in 6 hours for work in the am... God Bless.